Having choices...is it a blessing, or a curse?
After I received a confirmation that I will not be able to obtain a work permit, i.e. I will need to leave Canada at the end of this year, some uncertainty closed, but some other opened up. I booked one-way tickets for my husband and myself, knowing for sure where we will be is in a way a relief. The questions I've had in the last few weeks mostly have to do with whether I like to work in a full-time position in an organization, or whether I will want to continue my free-style freelancing. As usual, I am a very indecisive person, so it takes me forever to contemplate different choices, and is always hard to settle on something. One moment, I think I've made up my mind, the next moment, I come up with a new reason to tip all previous thinking over.
So, the biggest advantage of working from home, which I love, love, love, is freedom and flexibility. So far, I haven't found an office where I find comfortable working in for 8 hours a day. I work best when I am alone in my familiar environment, where I can reach everything I need (water, most importantly, and go to the washroom), and don't have to make up small talks to random people. As any introvert, I find maintaining a conversation with people in general is mentally exhausting. One-on-one, deep conversations with certain people is a different story though, and it is the kind of human exchange I love the most. So naturally, I was exhausted just by sitting in an office with constant chatter and distractions, and never really accomplish anything significant. Working from home will also allow me to arrange my own time (I find myself able to work for 10 hours when I can alternative the type of work, i.e. paper work and human work, at my own pace and still function well and feel satisfied, but sitting lifelessly in front of a computer for 8 hours leaves me with no energy by 3 pm, and I am miserable by 5 pm), take afternoon nap (another important factor determining whether I work effectively, or work at all). I was already making some plan to learn French (it has been a longest plan ever), learn a musical instrument (another plan made since childhood and never quite accomplished). I've been entertaining some thoughts about getting pregnant mid-next year as well. Am I ready? Hell, no! But the clock is ticking, damn being a woman. Thirty is like a threat hanging over my head. Better pop out a baby before you turn 30, lady. So, an office job probably won't give me the flexibility I need.
Another reason I want to forego the option of working for an organization is income. Realistically, I think I can harvest 10 to 15 millions VND at best, per month it is. Most of my freelance work is language-related, and I got paid by international companies. Although I'm not so sure whether I will definitely earn less if I have to quit working from home and starting being a team player, I have reached a stage where I have a constant flow of projects, secure a position with some US-based companies that have become dependent on me and a comfortable income doing things I know well. This income is enough for me to live in Canada, so it will be even more significant if I live in Vietnam. If I have a baby, my priority should be saving as much as possible, i.e. making as much as possible. Money is important, especially as I am now in the prime age of productivity and have few responsibilities (basically none, except myself and my husband).
On the other hand, working in an organization will help me learn more, especially in doing things that matter. I keep thinking to myself, I wouldn't need a Master degree in Sociology to translate marketing materials. I consider myself a high-end factory worker, i.e. I don't work in a factory, but the nature of the work and working relationship are the same. I am easily discarded. I get paid by the piece (not shirt collar or sewing buttons, but number of words or minutes of interpreting). I don't know the person who enjoy the fruit of my labour, and will never meet them. I don't even know the people I work with. They are just faceless names with emails flying to my inbox. We don't have any human relationship to each other. And I get depressed imagining this work as a long-term solution. I will turn into a machine eventually, churning out packs of translated pages, only to start new ones. I won't learn anything new, or find any meaning in my work. Working and physically being in an organization, however, will at least give me knowledge of how things work, a project from start to finish, and most importantly, expand my networks. Staying home is fun, and worry-free, but knowing people will bring more opportunities, and enrich my mind, too.
These have been the questions and choices I have. At some points, I thought, okay, I have everything figured out, or, okay, let's not think about this any further, what will be will be. I applied for two full-time jobs so far in Vietnam. I haven't heard back from one, probably won't be contacted. The other, I couldn't fathom doing their test, which is full of complex statistical equation (it gave me some complex inferiority after admitting to them I can't understand the questions, let alone solving them). So I started thinking, well, what's the point of deciding, it's better to relax and let things take their own course.
Well, just as I settled on that, this morning came an email with an advertisement for a PhD position in Switzerland. Surprisingly, I found myself excited reading it. I thought I've made up my mind (there it goes again) about this academic thing. I've always told everyone, including myself, that a PhD is not for me, at least for a few years to come. My supervisor and a professor I had for a course, who was also my examiner, have strongly encouraged me to do a PhD. I've heard enough about the gloomy situation of doctors with no job to not be tempted by their kind encouragement. My supervisor, in particular, is the type of person who seem believes in me more than I do, which is incredibly inspiring and reassuring. Another reason is I don't feel like I want to be a professor. I thought teaching is not for me, and it is boring, from a young age.
Yet another one is I feel fed up with reading and discussing things, which can be frustrating and certainly depressing, as the more I know, the more I become aware of my limited power to influence any changes. I want to "go out there", and "get dirty", "doing something", no matter how small and significant. Being paid to study is a privilege, and I feel incredibly lucky to have this experience, but it doesn't help with my getting impatient trying to put the knowledge I've acquired to use. And of course, I've had this feeling of incompetency, self-doubt, that I'm not good enough to be a professor. Intelligence is one thing, but I feel like my motivation is not enough, especially self-discipline and motivation. How can I make myself write a book? After writing a thesis, it seems more doable, but still, I'm very reluctant to pursue this path. Lastly, I'm tired of living a student's life, i.e. just have enough money to last me through the day. I want to work and not only to earn, but to accumulate money. I guess I inherit this anxiety from my mother, but financial security has been one big source of stress for me. I can't rest until I can make sure I have enough money in my bank account. How much is enough? Probably when I don't have to worry about working and still can live comfortably. I am not a salve of consumerism, but probably as the result of growing up in a household with fluctuating income, and parents (especially mother) who are constantly worried about "not having anything to eat", I freak out for a long time and unnecessarily about money.
Despite all these, reading about this position makes me want to apply for it. What if I am selected? Then I will spend the next 3 years (at least) in a new country. This thought, once again, opens up a whole realm of uncertainty.
Why do I think so much? There are just so many possibilities. Why can't I go with my gut? Follow my heart? This year, I have been working on adjusting myself to married life, a big part of which is taking into account not only my feelings and reasoning, but also those of my husband. Making a decision for the future entails considering both of us. It is maddeningly difficult to put one more person into the picture. Getting married is a huge commitment, that I knew before entering this social contract. Growing older also requires more planning in advance, as each decision may re-direct the course of my life over many years to come. And on top of that is the concern of timing for childbirth and child rearing.
In an ideal scenario, my husband will earn enough money for me to spend at least 2 years home with each child. I'm not afraid of staying home, being a freelance introvert. I don't need to interact with people very often, and I always have something productive to do. However, in our current situation, my husband doesn't earn much, and I've spent a few hours this evening googling "having a child while doing a PhD". I just had a long heart-to-heart talk with him, and he didn't propose any solution.
Having some knowledge about immigrants, I understand that men often experience downward mobility after a transnational move, which certainly has played out in my life. Living in Vietnam, my husband would have an office job, which is at least secure and gives him a comfortable income. He doesn't have a degree from a Western country like myself, and his English isn't good (and I haven't seen him determined to improve it), so it is difficult for me to get a good job in Canada. Since he joined me here, he worked in a Vietnamese restaurant for minimum wage, doing manual labour and little brain work. It is only temporary, he said. In one of our (many) possible plans, if we settle in Canada, he will do a college degree or something, which hopefully will help him move up in the job market. That's not too bad. And if we go back and live in Vietnam, that's even easier. He will enjoy his middle-class life as before.
Yet if we move again to another country for my PhD, he will risk prolonging manual work for a minimum wage. It will be a selfish choice from my side. His ideal scenario is earning enough online (generating income from google adsense) to live comfortably anywhere in the world. Of course, it is ideal for me as well, but having lived with him for almost a year, I haven't seen in him the determination to make this happen. He doesn't have technical skills to handle freelance IT projects, nor original content to attract a large audience online. And this last year has been a waste for him in terms of career development. The picture is bleak. Life for me could be a few years here, a few years there, but they will all add up. I'm still not interested in an academic career, but I treat this PhD advertisement for a job that will last for 3 years, and I'm thrilled to apply for it. If I traverse down this path of being a researcher, I will prepare myself to go anywhere, as long as there is a job offer. And of course research projects don't last long. However, for my husband, the short-term stay will be detrimental to his development. One year is not long enough to integrate into a new society, not to mention succeed in it. I'm afraid his life will be put on hold for mine, and not too long from now, he will turn 40 with nothing on hand, regret and resent me for it.
One year before he got a visa a come to Canada, he quit his job because he was tired of it. During that time, he learnt some English, did some short courses, but didn't seriously attempt to get another full-time job. Very possibly, he thought he would leave for Canada soon anyway. The wait ended up lasting for more than a year. Since he came to Canada, he had some interviews, but his one-year work permit is an disadvantage, and he didn't seriously attempt to get a full-time job either. Coupled with his skills and qualifications, and again, the thought of "we will move again after this year" may have prevented him from trying hard to land a job. It's both objective and subjective factors. He may try, but I've known enough sociology to understand that being a foreigner, even with appropriate paper, is a downside to all attempts. What I am afraid of more, is a continuation of these "just until the end of this year", "it's just 3 years" series, and his years will add up to nothing in the end. He is an average man, with average ability and average will power, not very hard-working and sometimes avoid thinking too far in the future (I guess I do that for both of us), and the circumstances (of being a foreigner in a Western country, with all the structure barrier) certainly are against his odds.
We can have a kid if I do a PhD, which means he will need to be a stay-at-home dad. He is cool with the idea, but that makes the scenario of turning 40 with nothing on hand even more likely. Or he can do a college degree wherever I do my PhD, and we will delay childbirth and live in poverty for a few more years. Would we have enough money after that to raise our children?
It's both illuminating and sad how all the theories I've read play out in my life. I can always go with the easier choice, go home and live my life. But somehow the difficult choice is more exciting. Perhaps I'm destined to live a hard life, and I can't help but wonder if having choices, too many choices sometimes, is a blessing or a curse?
So, the biggest advantage of working from home, which I love, love, love, is freedom and flexibility. So far, I haven't found an office where I find comfortable working in for 8 hours a day. I work best when I am alone in my familiar environment, where I can reach everything I need (water, most importantly, and go to the washroom), and don't have to make up small talks to random people. As any introvert, I find maintaining a conversation with people in general is mentally exhausting. One-on-one, deep conversations with certain people is a different story though, and it is the kind of human exchange I love the most. So naturally, I was exhausted just by sitting in an office with constant chatter and distractions, and never really accomplish anything significant. Working from home will also allow me to arrange my own time (I find myself able to work for 10 hours when I can alternative the type of work, i.e. paper work and human work, at my own pace and still function well and feel satisfied, but sitting lifelessly in front of a computer for 8 hours leaves me with no energy by 3 pm, and I am miserable by 5 pm), take afternoon nap (another important factor determining whether I work effectively, or work at all). I was already making some plan to learn French (it has been a longest plan ever), learn a musical instrument (another plan made since childhood and never quite accomplished). I've been entertaining some thoughts about getting pregnant mid-next year as well. Am I ready? Hell, no! But the clock is ticking, damn being a woman. Thirty is like a threat hanging over my head. Better pop out a baby before you turn 30, lady. So, an office job probably won't give me the flexibility I need.
Another reason I want to forego the option of working for an organization is income. Realistically, I think I can harvest 10 to 15 millions VND at best, per month it is. Most of my freelance work is language-related, and I got paid by international companies. Although I'm not so sure whether I will definitely earn less if I have to quit working from home and starting being a team player, I have reached a stage where I have a constant flow of projects, secure a position with some US-based companies that have become dependent on me and a comfortable income doing things I know well. This income is enough for me to live in Canada, so it will be even more significant if I live in Vietnam. If I have a baby, my priority should be saving as much as possible, i.e. making as much as possible. Money is important, especially as I am now in the prime age of productivity and have few responsibilities (basically none, except myself and my husband).
On the other hand, working in an organization will help me learn more, especially in doing things that matter. I keep thinking to myself, I wouldn't need a Master degree in Sociology to translate marketing materials. I consider myself a high-end factory worker, i.e. I don't work in a factory, but the nature of the work and working relationship are the same. I am easily discarded. I get paid by the piece (not shirt collar or sewing buttons, but number of words or minutes of interpreting). I don't know the person who enjoy the fruit of my labour, and will never meet them. I don't even know the people I work with. They are just faceless names with emails flying to my inbox. We don't have any human relationship to each other. And I get depressed imagining this work as a long-term solution. I will turn into a machine eventually, churning out packs of translated pages, only to start new ones. I won't learn anything new, or find any meaning in my work. Working and physically being in an organization, however, will at least give me knowledge of how things work, a project from start to finish, and most importantly, expand my networks. Staying home is fun, and worry-free, but knowing people will bring more opportunities, and enrich my mind, too.
These have been the questions and choices I have. At some points, I thought, okay, I have everything figured out, or, okay, let's not think about this any further, what will be will be. I applied for two full-time jobs so far in Vietnam. I haven't heard back from one, probably won't be contacted. The other, I couldn't fathom doing their test, which is full of complex statistical equation (it gave me some complex inferiority after admitting to them I can't understand the questions, let alone solving them). So I started thinking, well, what's the point of deciding, it's better to relax and let things take their own course.
Well, just as I settled on that, this morning came an email with an advertisement for a PhD position in Switzerland. Surprisingly, I found myself excited reading it. I thought I've made up my mind (there it goes again) about this academic thing. I've always told everyone, including myself, that a PhD is not for me, at least for a few years to come. My supervisor and a professor I had for a course, who was also my examiner, have strongly encouraged me to do a PhD. I've heard enough about the gloomy situation of doctors with no job to not be tempted by their kind encouragement. My supervisor, in particular, is the type of person who seem believes in me more than I do, which is incredibly inspiring and reassuring. Another reason is I don't feel like I want to be a professor. I thought teaching is not for me, and it is boring, from a young age.
Yet another one is I feel fed up with reading and discussing things, which can be frustrating and certainly depressing, as the more I know, the more I become aware of my limited power to influence any changes. I want to "go out there", and "get dirty", "doing something", no matter how small and significant. Being paid to study is a privilege, and I feel incredibly lucky to have this experience, but it doesn't help with my getting impatient trying to put the knowledge I've acquired to use. And of course, I've had this feeling of incompetency, self-doubt, that I'm not good enough to be a professor. Intelligence is one thing, but I feel like my motivation is not enough, especially self-discipline and motivation. How can I make myself write a book? After writing a thesis, it seems more doable, but still, I'm very reluctant to pursue this path. Lastly, I'm tired of living a student's life, i.e. just have enough money to last me through the day. I want to work and not only to earn, but to accumulate money. I guess I inherit this anxiety from my mother, but financial security has been one big source of stress for me. I can't rest until I can make sure I have enough money in my bank account. How much is enough? Probably when I don't have to worry about working and still can live comfortably. I am not a salve of consumerism, but probably as the result of growing up in a household with fluctuating income, and parents (especially mother) who are constantly worried about "not having anything to eat", I freak out for a long time and unnecessarily about money.
Despite all these, reading about this position makes me want to apply for it. What if I am selected? Then I will spend the next 3 years (at least) in a new country. This thought, once again, opens up a whole realm of uncertainty.
Why do I think so much? There are just so many possibilities. Why can't I go with my gut? Follow my heart? This year, I have been working on adjusting myself to married life, a big part of which is taking into account not only my feelings and reasoning, but also those of my husband. Making a decision for the future entails considering both of us. It is maddeningly difficult to put one more person into the picture. Getting married is a huge commitment, that I knew before entering this social contract. Growing older also requires more planning in advance, as each decision may re-direct the course of my life over many years to come. And on top of that is the concern of timing for childbirth and child rearing.
In an ideal scenario, my husband will earn enough money for me to spend at least 2 years home with each child. I'm not afraid of staying home, being a freelance introvert. I don't need to interact with people very often, and I always have something productive to do. However, in our current situation, my husband doesn't earn much, and I've spent a few hours this evening googling "having a child while doing a PhD". I just had a long heart-to-heart talk with him, and he didn't propose any solution.
Having some knowledge about immigrants, I understand that men often experience downward mobility after a transnational move, which certainly has played out in my life. Living in Vietnam, my husband would have an office job, which is at least secure and gives him a comfortable income. He doesn't have a degree from a Western country like myself, and his English isn't good (and I haven't seen him determined to improve it), so it is difficult for me to get a good job in Canada. Since he joined me here, he worked in a Vietnamese restaurant for minimum wage, doing manual labour and little brain work. It is only temporary, he said. In one of our (many) possible plans, if we settle in Canada, he will do a college degree or something, which hopefully will help him move up in the job market. That's not too bad. And if we go back and live in Vietnam, that's even easier. He will enjoy his middle-class life as before.
Yet if we move again to another country for my PhD, he will risk prolonging manual work for a minimum wage. It will be a selfish choice from my side. His ideal scenario is earning enough online (generating income from google adsense) to live comfortably anywhere in the world. Of course, it is ideal for me as well, but having lived with him for almost a year, I haven't seen in him the determination to make this happen. He doesn't have technical skills to handle freelance IT projects, nor original content to attract a large audience online. And this last year has been a waste for him in terms of career development. The picture is bleak. Life for me could be a few years here, a few years there, but they will all add up. I'm still not interested in an academic career, but I treat this PhD advertisement for a job that will last for 3 years, and I'm thrilled to apply for it. If I traverse down this path of being a researcher, I will prepare myself to go anywhere, as long as there is a job offer. And of course research projects don't last long. However, for my husband, the short-term stay will be detrimental to his development. One year is not long enough to integrate into a new society, not to mention succeed in it. I'm afraid his life will be put on hold for mine, and not too long from now, he will turn 40 with nothing on hand, regret and resent me for it.
One year before he got a visa a come to Canada, he quit his job because he was tired of it. During that time, he learnt some English, did some short courses, but didn't seriously attempt to get another full-time job. Very possibly, he thought he would leave for Canada soon anyway. The wait ended up lasting for more than a year. Since he came to Canada, he had some interviews, but his one-year work permit is an disadvantage, and he didn't seriously attempt to get a full-time job either. Coupled with his skills and qualifications, and again, the thought of "we will move again after this year" may have prevented him from trying hard to land a job. It's both objective and subjective factors. He may try, but I've known enough sociology to understand that being a foreigner, even with appropriate paper, is a downside to all attempts. What I am afraid of more, is a continuation of these "just until the end of this year", "it's just 3 years" series, and his years will add up to nothing in the end. He is an average man, with average ability and average will power, not very hard-working and sometimes avoid thinking too far in the future (I guess I do that for both of us), and the circumstances (of being a foreigner in a Western country, with all the structure barrier) certainly are against his odds.
We can have a kid if I do a PhD, which means he will need to be a stay-at-home dad. He is cool with the idea, but that makes the scenario of turning 40 with nothing on hand even more likely. Or he can do a college degree wherever I do my PhD, and we will delay childbirth and live in poverty for a few more years. Would we have enough money after that to raise our children?
It's both illuminating and sad how all the theories I've read play out in my life. I can always go with the easier choice, go home and live my life. But somehow the difficult choice is more exciting. Perhaps I'm destined to live a hard life, and I can't help but wonder if having choices, too many choices sometimes, is a blessing or a curse?
