Deep conversation
Over the course of 2 days (my last weekend), I had 4 deep conversations with 1 woman and 3 men. I talked with all the men using the Internet (skype, google hang out), and only met face-to-face with the women. By deep conversation, I mean we discussed more or less one topic for 1.5 - 2 hours, ranging from family and divorce, doing social science, the philosophy of knowledge, and sex work; rather than exchanging personal updates or saying random things that come to mind. Needless to say, I didn't finish everything I planned to do on the weekend, but I felt extremely fulfilled. I had enough of my social needs for a whole week, and I notice during the following week, I was much more relaxed around people and it seems much easier to start a conversation with someone next to me. Yay the power of deep conversation.
Not too long ago, I brought up the idea of vulnerability and how that prevents me from approaching people in another deep conversation (and again, with a man via skype). I often fear that Im bothering others by saying things they are not interested in. But ultimately, that's a fear of being vulnerable, because Im afraid of being judged. That's why when a friend asked what I think about single men who are not into dating purchase the service of sex workers to resolve their sexual frustration, I immediately knew how much vulnerability he has exposed himself to. I might as well say, wow, you are disgusting! It's one thing to discuss feminism, women's rights and the question of choice and agency in a detached, professional manner, and quite a different thing to have that question posed by someone I have known for a long time. I struggled to come up with a response. But that moment, we came much closer, because he was willing to let me in a big secret he would not dare revealing to anyone else. It was great to feel that Im trusted.
And another man I talked with is a practicing Buddhist currently in retreat. He has cut all connections with outside world for the last few months. So I was very delighted when he appeared all of sudden and asked if I wanted to skype. Naturally, we talked about the self, how we know what we know. I asked him the question I have been pondering in my mind for a while now. How do I touch others? How do I not see a man, a woman, a Canadian, a Vietnamese, but just humans? How do I stop putting people in boxes and treat them accordingly? How do I tear invisible but real barriers between me and others around? It was such a philosophical conversation in the style of storytelling. He made this comment that I was very pleased to hear. "It's very nice debating with you, because you actually listen even when I say something most people consider impossible. Others would jump to my face to defend their points."
So I replayed that comment later on and wondered if the discipline of doing qualitative research has exerted its influence on me. A researcher in training, I understand that I must refrain from judgement or imposing my own opinion, even when something I disagree with comes up. If that's true, then indeed understanding and empathy can be practiced. It takes a lot of self-reflection and sincere attempts, and time of course, but eventually I would improve.
At the same time, I find discussions in class are going in circular motions. People just recite what they read and throw out big words with no real engagement. It seems like critical thinking will be much more effective when the question at hand is more personal. That's why now I believe one doesn't have to be in school to learn.
And I will need to have deep conversations more often.
Not too long ago, I brought up the idea of vulnerability and how that prevents me from approaching people in another deep conversation (and again, with a man via skype). I often fear that Im bothering others by saying things they are not interested in. But ultimately, that's a fear of being vulnerable, because Im afraid of being judged. That's why when a friend asked what I think about single men who are not into dating purchase the service of sex workers to resolve their sexual frustration, I immediately knew how much vulnerability he has exposed himself to. I might as well say, wow, you are disgusting! It's one thing to discuss feminism, women's rights and the question of choice and agency in a detached, professional manner, and quite a different thing to have that question posed by someone I have known for a long time. I struggled to come up with a response. But that moment, we came much closer, because he was willing to let me in a big secret he would not dare revealing to anyone else. It was great to feel that Im trusted.
And another man I talked with is a practicing Buddhist currently in retreat. He has cut all connections with outside world for the last few months. So I was very delighted when he appeared all of sudden and asked if I wanted to skype. Naturally, we talked about the self, how we know what we know. I asked him the question I have been pondering in my mind for a while now. How do I touch others? How do I not see a man, a woman, a Canadian, a Vietnamese, but just humans? How do I stop putting people in boxes and treat them accordingly? How do I tear invisible but real barriers between me and others around? It was such a philosophical conversation in the style of storytelling. He made this comment that I was very pleased to hear. "It's very nice debating with you, because you actually listen even when I say something most people consider impossible. Others would jump to my face to defend their points."
So I replayed that comment later on and wondered if the discipline of doing qualitative research has exerted its influence on me. A researcher in training, I understand that I must refrain from judgement or imposing my own opinion, even when something I disagree with comes up. If that's true, then indeed understanding and empathy can be practiced. It takes a lot of self-reflection and sincere attempts, and time of course, but eventually I would improve.
At the same time, I find discussions in class are going in circular motions. People just recite what they read and throw out big words with no real engagement. It seems like critical thinking will be much more effective when the question at hand is more personal. That's why now I believe one doesn't have to be in school to learn.
And I will need to have deep conversations more often.
