Somewhere I belong

1. Facebook, or other social media that keep track of the number of the connections you have for that matter, forces you to be aware of how many "friends" you have, and how many you want. There are many people I would not necessarily call friends in real life, but I find it hard to ignore their friend requests on facebook. The guy I meet in a park, the girl sits next to me in a conference, a reader who likes my writing and sends me a very lovely email. I follow a principle and only add people who I have either met face to face, or have sort of developed a relationship through other means, either a working relationship or extended conversations. Anyhow, even with that principle, the number of "friends" I have on Facebook only keeps growing. Do I really consider classmates in primary school who I haven't seen in 10 years and have no interest in their private life "friends"? Or the Chinese guy who happened to talk to me during a school trip? Not really, but I have no reason to ignore their requests either, fearing that I'll be accused of being arrogant if I don't accept those.

Watching that friend list grows makes me uncomfortable somehow. Not to mention the task of categorizing them into different groups. Who are "friends" enough to read my trivial complaints about the weather, and who should only see things I decide I want to make visible for everyone who can read. It's not just about privacy, it's also the typical feeling of an introvert, I don't want to bother people with my own problems, so those who don't really care about me should not be presented with information about my life.

If it weren't for Facebook, I wouldn't be conscious of the number of friends I have. Many of those would just be friends in the past, and that's exactly what they should be, since their current lives and mine don't really cross. Many others should just be acquaintances, someone I know by name and face even, but not really a deep connection, at least not deep enough to be a "friend". It's kind of scary to realize I will soon exceed 400 "friends" on Facebook.

It's tempting to remove a few, but Im also conscious of cultivating an online presence. In other words, I hope to influence the public opinion in certain directions, no matter how limited that influence is. So whenever I want to cut down on my friend list, I tell myself, just keep them, maybe someday they will support what you say, you never know. A weak tie might always bring about surprising result. So for the time being, I decide not to remove anyone.

2. Yet Facebook is helpful with the "hide this person..." and "follow" features. I actively eliminate some people from entering my news feed, if I don't see them posting anything of value for a while, or if I don't really care about their private lives. So that high school friend who always posts pictures of her baby daughter, I will hide. Or that friend who always whines about little problems,  I will soon get tired and decide that I don't really want to waste my time reading that anymore. My facebook now acts almost as a news feed, because I selectively just read the updates of people who have something interesting to say, who share valuable news and ideas, or who I truly care as individuals. From times to times, when I suddenly recall a friend I haven't seen on facebook for a long time, I will type in their names and search for them, and skim through their profile to know what happens to them lately, or send them a message. In that way, I believe I have made facebook productive.

3. I try not to post negative status myself. I don't pretend Im a happy person, or that I only experience happy moments. Since I turn to treat facebook as a records of moments, I'd rather have a positive records. You will not likely see me post about the one hour wait in -20 degree for a bus with five bags of grocery, or the ultimate frustration when nothing is working and everything is a mess and all I could think of is "I want to quit". I just think people on facebook, again, are not close with me enough to be interested in those things, and those who are, have other ways to find out if they really want to know how I am. I write long emails to friends and use all sorts of instant messaging.

I increasingly consider facebook a channel to communicate my thoughts, rather a platform to express myself. It could also be because I have grown old enough to no longer need external validation for my identity. I have passed the phase of thinking about who I am, constructing an identity, trying it out and seeking approval. As a friend of mine says, we now have come to understanding who we are, and we accept it. Together with this acceptance is a diminishing need for social confirmation for different types of identity. For myself, I have now read enough about introversion and know there is nothing I need to fix about my social skills, and I am perfectly fine. That self-awareness changes the way I use facebook as well. Occasional updates to let the world know I am doing fine (skipping the downside), but mostly to build an audience, especially as a writer. I tend to  treat facebook quite seriously nowadays.

4. My family members increasingly join facebook, which adds another layer of complication, who I am supposed to communicate here? In real social settings, each person assumes different social roles depending on the people they are interacting with, but when all these groups are mixed together in a cyberspace such as facebook, it's quite difficult to project  an appropriate image for all. Something I want to tell my friends is not really suitable to my mother, for example. My grade 5 teacher, who is now also a "friend" on facebook, expressed her disappointment on a casual comment when I didn't visit her on the Teacher's Day, while it never dawned on me that she was expecting me to visit her, just because we recently became facebook "friends".

The same goes for colleagues and employers. Of course I know the rule, you should never add them on facebook, so I never do. And when they send me a friend request, I put them on a separate list. However, as careful as I am, there are still slippery things that could easily reveal information about myself they should not see. For example, one time a coffee shop I went to offered 10% off if I checked-in on my facebook, which I did. This kind of update however is set to be publicly visible, which lets a person know I was still in my country, and I had not finished the tasks he asked me to do. Nothing serious, but it is certainly better if he hadn't known.

5. There are lots of research and discussions on how the Internet has really shortened our attention span. That's of course very true. When I was younger, before I was introduced to this thing called computer, I could sit alone in a room and do my homework for 2 hours straight. I also realize that my thoughts get connected and new thoughts emerge during bus rides when I don't do anything. When Im in sitting with my laptop now, I couldn't go for more than half an hour without visiting facebook, except when I really need to finish a paper or read something very interesting.

I decided to track my time in a week, how much time I use towards what tasks, and actually I don't think I waste too much time on facebook. There are lots of nameless things I do everyday that take up time, so it's assuring to know facebook is not consuming a great chunk of my day. However, it's my ability to think deeply in a long period of time that Im worried about. I don't know how I can gain it back if things keep going this way. I don't have the option of giving up facebook anymore, since I am the admin of a few fan pages.

Just this evening, during a dinner with my landlady and my roommates, while everyone was engaged in a conversation, there are moments I almost reached for my phone, only to stop myself halfway and felt guilty of this temptation. I thought if I did, it's a way to indicate that I had withdrawn and was no longer interested in the conversation, and of course it's rude. So for half a minute I didn't hear a word, but talked inside my head, and tried to suppressed the urge to turn my attention to something else. Probably I need to start training myself to increase my ability to focus.

6. Recently I find myself having little patience when communicating with people, and I know I should work on that. I tend to find some remarks offensive, or ignorant a little too quickly, and worse, I let my feelings shown. Almost an argument broke out between a friend and me after I left a comment on his facebook status, and after both of us had expressed our disappointment with the other, I realized that I didn't understand the situation he was describing, and he didn't think I couldn't envision such a simple situation. I accuse him of being a sexist for demeaning women, he claimed that I was lacking basic social skill and projecting my feminist thinking onto simple and innocent jokes. The case finally resolved, but I got a lesson. Not to jump to conclusion too quickly, since you are never the other person, it's likely you will never understand their point of view completely.

I don't have lots of real social interaction these days, and this is my 5th year living alone, so I don't know if my ability to sympathize and pick up on emotional cues has been impaired by this lack of face to face human connection. It is very possible actually.  

1. One evening I arrived at a pavement underneath a bridge only to find out my friends hadn't left their houses yet. So I waited. I usually can't stand not doing anything for one moment, but because I had expected my friends to be there when I came, I didn't bring with me anything to kill time. I looked around and saw a xe om man. He was sitting on his motorbike underneath the bridge. He was waiting for a customer, but no one, including himself, could know for sure when the next customer would show up. He was there, waiting for someone that may never come.


A xe om driver is such an intrinsic part of every street in urban Ha Noi. Sometimes a few of them sit together, sometimes one sits by himself. No one really pays much attention to them, except those who are looking for a ride. People pass by without a second glance. Xe om don't stand out more than a wall, a tree, or a bridge. They are a part of the scene, they are always on a spot from morning to late night, in the rain and in the sun, without much interaction to the world around them. They just sit there, sometimes so immobile that they become almost invisible.


I remember the time I saw a xe om early morning on the first day of New Year. The street couldn't be more desert as everyone had either returned home or were at home, and he was there, sitting on his motorbike at his usual spot. More than anything, the first day of the New Year is time for family, and it couldn't be any other thing. So much that I, and the majority of Vietnamese, consider it sacred. When I saw a human figure on a motorbike at a street corner that early morning, all definitions of loneliness seemed inadequate.


Back to the xe om underneath the bridge,  even though we were both waiting, I had a definite end while he didn't. I would just wait until my friends came, but he would be sitting without any certain point in time. Suddenly I felt desperate. I have never in my life waited for something, day in and day out, without a single clue of how long the wait will last. I wanted to talk to him, but didn't know how. The 2m distance between us seemed hopelessly vast.


Vehicles kept passing by. Two silent figures parked near each other under the bridge. I didn't know if he was even aware of my presence. He seemed indifferent to the world, as if nothing but a customer would spark his interest. I couldn't start a conversation, I struggled to find a word, then I quit. We both stayed still, there was a world of difference between us.


2.  When I was still working for Bloom, I spent about 3 days a week talking to female farmers. They would tell me how their children's teachers had reminded them of paying tuition too often lately and how the children didn't want to go to school anymore because they were ashamed of not paying on time. They would explain how they had done everything they could think of but couldn't save the chickens that they invested all the loan in from dying. Or how they were willing to do absolutely anything, including spraying pesticides, a job that everyone wishes to avoid and often hires poor people to do it instead. 


And the rest 4 days of the week, I went back to my normal life. Sometimes I spent on a new pair of jeans the amount of money a woman needed to keep her daughter in school for the next semester. Sometimes I bought a pile of books which costed me the equivalence of an investment in 2 piglets. And one time I was invited to a luxurious meal which I didn't enjoy that much (I am never a big fan of seafood), only found out later that the total cost for that meal was 10 million, a huge number that many of the borrowers I worked with just needed to completely change their lives and their children's.


The thought of a separation between a "working life" and a "normal life" disturbed me a lot. It seems so wrong that half of the time people surrounded me needed a few millions to pay back debts, send their children to school, start a new business and even have a chance to break out of poverty, while during the other half, those surrounded me spent the exact amount of money without a second thought. I felt guilty when I was among the latter, but I didn't know what else to do. There, I talked to the farmers, was welcomed into their houses and shared their difficulties, but the distance between us was a world apart.


3. I have friends on facebook who pride themselves in a passion for travelling. They often upload tons of pictures of themselves going to different places. But they see more through their camera lenses than their own eyes. And while at a new place, they spend more time taking pictures of the local people or worse, posing and taking pictures of themselves than interacting with the latter or even just looking at them. 
I don't like that way of travelling, but I guess my friends are too afraid to reach out, or don't know how to start, or maybe they don't consider touching a place through its people a part of travelling. Who cares? Just bring back loads of pictures, people will admire you and your adventurousness. Just like I didn't know how to start a conversation with another human being, or struggle to fit my way of living with many others.


One day I went out to get my cell phone a nylon cover. I watched the man skillfully use very simple tools to place a super thin plastic cover on the screen. At some points his hands almost fondled the object and caressed every single tiny space he could find on it. Very delicate and patient. I tingled with an urge to write something about him, because the way he moved his hands seemed like an art to me. So I started asking him questions: "How did you learn to do this?" "Is it difficult?", "What do you need to set up a shop?"..but my attempt failed. I didn't know whether he preferred to be quiet and focus on his job or whether my questions were too intimidating. I went home and google "nghề dán điện thoại". A bunches of articles came up, I read until I felt sorry for myself that I have to turn to google to find something that was right in front of my face.


4. The world we are living is flat in the sense that it allows us to reach further and further. It is probably true, but I would say we are not reaching deeper, at least not to people who are very different from ourselves. Instead we confine ourselves to our own little worlds, we interact with people similar to us, and withdraw into our private spaces so  much that when it is time to come out, we become too afraid or reluctant.
Isn't it sad that I can reach people thousands of kilometers away by my fingertips but couldn't touch those right next to my hands?

Hôm nay, khi đứng chờ đèn đỏ, tôi nghĩ:

Không biết nếu bây giờ mình chết đi thì có những bạn nào sẽ vào Facebook của mình để trò chuyện, post những câu nhớ tiếc, và lần giở lại những gì tôi đã chia sẻ từ xưa?

Không biết mọi người sẽ làm thế trong bao lâu, rồi dần dần account của tôi sẽ chìm vào quên lãng?

Không biết có ai rơi nước mắt khi đọc  những điều tôi viết, nghe những bài hát tôi thích, xem những đoạn youtube tôi thấy hay?

Không biết có bạn nào viết note nhớ thương rồi tag tôi vào những ngày giỗ, để mọi người cùng comment và hồi tưởng?

Facebook sẽ không phủ bụi như một tấm ảnh, cũng không phủ xanh cỏ như một ngôi mộ, nhưng trang facebook của một người đã mất đi sẽ dừng lại sau một thời điểm nào đó, khi một người bạn vào và nhìn thấy post cuối cùng đề ngày cách đây cả chục năm rồi.

Ở một khía cạnh, facebook giống như một mảnh đất ảo đóng tên tôi, có hình ảnh, âm thanh, tính cách của tôi thấm đẫm trong nó, và nó sẽ sống sau khi tôi chết. Nhưng ở một khía cạnh khác, cũng như cái chết vật chất, người ta biến mất khi không còn được nhớ đến, facebook của tôi sẽ chấm dứt sự tồn tại sau khi chủ nhân của nó chết không lâu, bởi vì sẽ không còn ai lai vãng nữa.

Cái ảo, dù không bị ràng buộc bởi thời gian và không gian như cái thật, nhưng cũng không thể tồn tại nếu cái thật đã mất đi.

Vậy thôi, nghĩ đến đó thì tôi về đến nhà.

I sometimes get annoyed with all the fussy posts on Facebook about fall, flowers, heart-touching weather and stuffs like that. I know I am very annoy-able, and I used to be like those people who flood my facebook homepage with posts about the ups and downs in their fragile, emotional worlds. But there are more to life than that, girls! If you just look out, you will see more than flowers.

It's becoming harder to work. Today's field trip was full of frustration. For some moments, I felt like I was begging people to accept the loan, which is true to some extents because we need borrowers for the fixed tours this week and the next. They said 2 million is too little. But what perplexed me the most is their sudden change in attitude. Now all of them say "no" to us. I speculate it must have to do with the police in the community. Because of some foreigners "element" involved, since the police was informed of our work 3 weeks ago, they have been trying to tighten their grip, either to protect "foreign guests" from being harassed by local people (which never happens the whole time we work there without their interfere), or to make sure that no negative comment about the government's competence and anything vaguely related is made in front of those who have the power to spread the message to the world. Or both.

Vietnamese people tend to be shy away from anything that may bring themselves to attention, not to mention police's attention. I don't blame them, indeed I find that in myself, too. The police perhaps haven't lifted a finger, but the mere understanding or unspoken message that for a friendly conversation with foreigners, borrowers may be watched a little bit more closely than their neighbours and held more responsibility than other civilians is enough. All of sudden, people who used to be so out-spoken and welcoming now uttered so many different excuses to not open their homes for us.

When you stay within the limit, you think you have a lot of freedom to do what you want. But the moment you slightly cross the border, you become aware of how tightly it wraps around you! I, suddenly (again) feel like I can sympathize better with refugees who left Vietnam to go abroad on boat. It wasn't entirely because they were afraid of death, or bitter of their loss, but also of the frustration they endured in a society where things are controlled, where everyone is afraid of the authority, or one another, and where every single word you say may be used against you. I felt the same way today.

How can a nation grow strong if the people are taught to be fearful? Fearful of harmless other human beings, just because they have white skin!

I have always been perplexed by the vast difference between facebook usage. Western people seem to use the social network to connect. They send message, post on wall, make comment in conversation, and post pictures to keep people updated on events happening in their lives. Vietnamese people seem to use facebook to present a picture of themselves. Of course all users put forth the image they want themselves to be, but Vietnamese users care less about connection than personal feelings, emotions, thoughts. Photos are not used to keep a line of events' date, but to portray personality. I am fascinated, but at the same time bored, how many facebook users use the same means to get to a fixed end. For example, if you want to present yourself as a girly, romantic, soft- hearted lady, you post pictures of yourself taken in a lotus pond, a flower field, a rice paddy, an old-looking wall, with the same poses for everyone. If you like to be seen as intellectual, you are likely to post links to articles, debates and like pages with "big name". If you belong to the "wanderers", people get to see a lot of dirty shoes, windy valleys, water-buffaloes on your page. So on and so forth. These are codes people use to achieve the same purpose. Even the outcomes are limited. You can only be such and such characters. Options are few.

I have always wondered. Why? Why are there codes? Why do the majority of facebook users, admittedly middle-class urban settlers with high education and instant access to the internet, fix themselves so easily in a set net of personality, so highly patterned that if you observe from afar, you can't find much distinction between one and the next? Of course each era has its own set of individuality, and why facebook?

Probably, just probably, because facebook (and other social network) is the only means given to people to express themselves. Lack of individual space, lack of freedom (such a relative term), and lack of access to platform, people do what they can to diversify in the midst of the allowed area, with the allowed codes. If you are implanted with a fear towards almost everything, and certainty with almost nothing, and  your self-value is as floating and breakable as a dry leaf on a swift stream, you will be happy with a little piece of the world you are allowed to see. If you venture out, see a little bit more than you are supposed to, you will find yourself pretty much trapped, and you will struggle. Struggle to fight, to flee or to accept, but still, it's a struggle.

Facebook is a good place to portray your personality if you live in a place where talking with a foreigner is considered potentially dangerous. How is that for a hypothesis?

Đời chúng ta nằm trong vòng chữ tôi. Mất bề rộng ta đi tìm bề sâu. Nhưng càng đi sâu càng lạnh.
                                                                  
                                                                                                (Hoài Thanh - Thi nhân Việt Nam)


1. Những bộ não hàng đầu của Facebook luôn tìm mọi cách để người ta dành nhiều thời gian cho sản phẩm của họ. Lợi nhuận của họ tăng nếu số người dùng facebook tăng, và  thời lượng truy cập của mỗi người trong số đó tăng.

2. Từ trước đến nay họ vẫn làm theo chiều rộng, tức là kết nối người dùng với nhau. Để chức năng tag trở nên dễ dàng hết mức có thể, tag ở ảnh, ở note, ở status. Ngày xưa tag phải gõ chữ @ lên trước tên, bây giờ chỉ cần gõ tên là danh sách gợi ý hiện ra ngay lập tức. Rồi comment thậm chí không cần phải nhấc tay khỏi bàn phím để ấn chuột, chỉ cần gõ enter, lại càng nhanh hơn nữa. Hơn nữa, xem ảnh cũng dễ dàng và nhanh chóng hơn, không phải chuyển khỏi trang người dùng đang mở. Tất cả mọi thay đổi đều nhằm thúc đẩy các hành động kết nối, sao cho nhanh, dễ dàng và hiệu quả hơn.

3. Nhưng rồi đến một ngày, facebook thấy đi theo chiều rộng để người này lôi kéo người kia vào xem ảnh của mình, comment trên status của mình vẫn chưa đủ. Họ đi theo chiều sâu, để những người dùng tự nhìn lại và đối thoại với chính bản thân mình của quá khứ. Như thế thì họ có nhiều chuyện để nói hơn không? Nếu được nhắc nhở bản thân mình đã từng thế nào, họ có dành nhiều thời gian cho nơi lưu giữ hơn không? Hay họ sẽ muốn quên đi và ghét bỏ nó? Mang một con người lại gần một con người dễ hơn hay mang một con người lại gần chính bản thân họ dễ hơn?

4. Người ta thường không nhớ bản thân mình đã từng thế nào, hay muốn tin rằng mình đã thay đổi. Ít nhất là với những người trẻ, đối tượng chính sử dụng facebook, họ không muốn thừa nhận rằng từ năm ngoái đến năm nay họ vẫn vậy. Xấu đi hay tốt lên, trăn trở nhiều hơn hay đã thanh thản bớt, chắc chắn họ phải có gì khác. Ví dụ như năm ngoái mơ thấy ăn bánh giò nóng trên vỉa hè nồng nàn mùi hoa sữa, năm nay mơ thấy được tăng lương, chẳng là khác nhau một trời một vực còn gì? Thế là hỉ hả ngồi vỗ đùi suy nghĩ (thật ra thì không vỗ), đấy, năm ngoái giờ này đang ở Canada mơ về Hà Nội, còn là sinh viên vô lo vô nghĩ chỉ mơ mỗi cái bánh giò, năm nay đã là người đi làm đang ở chính Hà Nôi đây rồi, hết vô tư vô định, chỉ mơ về tiền thôi. Vòng xoáy cuộc đời bắt đầu điên đảo rồi. Đấy, thay đổi ghê chưa?

5. Nhưng mà, quy luật thì vẫn thế thôi. Người ta mơ thấy cái người ta không có, và đang thèm mà không thể có. Lúc nhỏ mơ cái cụ thể, đơn giản, đáp ứng mong muốn ngay, như bánh giò, ăn vào là no bụng. Khi lớn sẽ mơ cái trừu tượng, phức tạp, đáp ứng nhiều thể loại mong muốn, có thể trong số đó chẳng có cái nào liên quan đến bụng dạ. Nhưng mà vẫn thế thôi, người ta mơ thấy cái mình không có.
Nhưng mà facebook cũng thành công. Để một người đối thoại với một người mà lôi kéo được 9 cái like và 13 cái comment, kể ra cũng chứng minh được một định lý: "con người lặng lẽ nhất, mà cũng ồn ào nhất khi họ tự đối thoại với mình"