Some thoughts on Facebook
1. Facebook, or other social media that keep track of the number of the connections you have for that matter, forces you to be aware of how many "friends" you have, and how many you want. There are many people I would not necessarily call friends in real life, but I find it hard to ignore their friend requests on facebook. The guy I meet in a park, the girl sits next to me in a conference, a reader who likes my writing and sends me a very lovely email. I follow a principle and only add people who I have either met face to face, or have sort of developed a relationship through other means, either a working relationship or extended conversations. Anyhow, even with that principle, the number of "friends" I have on Facebook only keeps growing. Do I really consider classmates in primary school who I haven't seen in 10 years and have no interest in their private life "friends"? Or the Chinese guy who happened to talk to me during a school trip? Not really, but I have no reason to ignore their requests either, fearing that I'll be accused of being arrogant if I don't accept those.
Watching that friend list grows makes me uncomfortable somehow. Not to mention the task of categorizing them into different groups. Who are "friends" enough to read my trivial complaints about the weather, and who should only see things I decide I want to make visible for everyone who can read. It's not just about privacy, it's also the typical feeling of an introvert, I don't want to bother people with my own problems, so those who don't really care about me should not be presented with information about my life.
If it weren't for Facebook, I wouldn't be conscious of the number of friends I have. Many of those would just be friends in the past, and that's exactly what they should be, since their current lives and mine don't really cross. Many others should just be acquaintances, someone I know by name and face even, but not really a deep connection, at least not deep enough to be a "friend". It's kind of scary to realize I will soon exceed 400 "friends" on Facebook.
It's tempting to remove a few, but Im also conscious of cultivating an online presence. In other words, I hope to influence the public opinion in certain directions, no matter how limited that influence is. So whenever I want to cut down on my friend list, I tell myself, just keep them, maybe someday they will support what you say, you never know. A weak tie might always bring about surprising result. So for the time being, I decide not to remove anyone.
2. Yet Facebook is helpful with the "hide this person..." and "follow" features. I actively eliminate some people from entering my news feed, if I don't see them posting anything of value for a while, or if I don't really care about their private lives. So that high school friend who always posts pictures of her baby daughter, I will hide. Or that friend who always whines about little problems, I will soon get tired and decide that I don't really want to waste my time reading that anymore. My facebook now acts almost as a news feed, because I selectively just read the updates of people who have something interesting to say, who share valuable news and ideas, or who I truly care as individuals. From times to times, when I suddenly recall a friend I haven't seen on facebook for a long time, I will type in their names and search for them, and skim through their profile to know what happens to them lately, or send them a message. In that way, I believe I have made facebook productive.
3. I try not to post negative status myself. I don't pretend Im a happy person, or that I only experience happy moments. Since I turn to treat facebook as a records of moments, I'd rather have a positive records. You will not likely see me post about the one hour wait in -20 degree for a bus with five bags of grocery, or the ultimate frustration when nothing is working and everything is a mess and all I could think of is "I want to quit". I just think people on facebook, again, are not close with me enough to be interested in those things, and those who are, have other ways to find out if they really want to know how I am. I write long emails to friends and use all sorts of instant messaging.
I increasingly consider facebook a channel to communicate my thoughts, rather a platform to express myself. It could also be because I have grown old enough to no longer need external validation for my identity. I have passed the phase of thinking about who I am, constructing an identity, trying it out and seeking approval. As a friend of mine says, we now have come to understanding who we are, and we accept it. Together with this acceptance is a diminishing need for social confirmation for different types of identity. For myself, I have now read enough about introversion and know there is nothing I need to fix about my social skills, and I am perfectly fine. That self-awareness changes the way I use facebook as well. Occasional updates to let the world know I am doing fine (skipping the downside), but mostly to build an audience, especially as a writer. I tend to treat facebook quite seriously nowadays.
4. My family members increasingly join facebook, which adds another layer of complication, who I am supposed to communicate here? In real social settings, each person assumes different social roles depending on the people they are interacting with, but when all these groups are mixed together in a cyberspace such as facebook, it's quite difficult to project an appropriate image for all. Something I want to tell my friends is not really suitable to my mother, for example. My grade 5 teacher, who is now also a "friend" on facebook, expressed her disappointment on a casual comment when I didn't visit her on the Teacher's Day, while it never dawned on me that she was expecting me to visit her, just because we recently became facebook "friends".
The same goes for colleagues and employers. Of course I know the rule, you should never add them on facebook, so I never do. And when they send me a friend request, I put them on a separate list. However, as careful as I am, there are still slippery things that could easily reveal information about myself they should not see. For example, one time a coffee shop I went to offered 10% off if I checked-in on my facebook, which I did. This kind of update however is set to be publicly visible, which lets a person know I was still in my country, and I had not finished the tasks he asked me to do. Nothing serious, but it is certainly better if he hadn't known.
5. There are lots of research and discussions on how the Internet has really shortened our attention span. That's of course very true. When I was younger, before I was introduced to this thing called computer, I could sit alone in a room and do my homework for 2 hours straight. I also realize that my thoughts get connected and new thoughts emerge during bus rides when I don't do anything. When Im in sitting with my laptop now, I couldn't go for more than half an hour without visiting facebook, except when I really need to finish a paper or read something very interesting.
I decided to track my time in a week, how much time I use towards what tasks, and actually I don't think I waste too much time on facebook. There are lots of nameless things I do everyday that take up time, so it's assuring to know facebook is not consuming a great chunk of my day. However, it's my ability to think deeply in a long period of time that Im worried about. I don't know how I can gain it back if things keep going this way. I don't have the option of giving up facebook anymore, since I am the admin of a few fan pages.
Just this evening, during a dinner with my landlady and my roommates, while everyone was engaged in a conversation, there are moments I almost reached for my phone, only to stop myself halfway and felt guilty of this temptation. I thought if I did, it's a way to indicate that I had withdrawn and was no longer interested in the conversation, and of course it's rude. So for half a minute I didn't hear a word, but talked inside my head, and tried to suppressed the urge to turn my attention to something else. Probably I need to start training myself to increase my ability to focus.
6. Recently I find myself having little patience when communicating with people, and I know I should work on that. I tend to find some remarks offensive, or ignorant a little too quickly, and worse, I let my feelings shown. Almost an argument broke out between a friend and me after I left a comment on his facebook status, and after both of us had expressed our disappointment with the other, I realized that I didn't understand the situation he was describing, and he didn't think I couldn't envision such a simple situation. I accuse him of being a sexist for demeaning women, he claimed that I was lacking basic social skill and projecting my feminist thinking onto simple and innocent jokes. The case finally resolved, but I got a lesson. Not to jump to conclusion too quickly, since you are never the other person, it's likely you will never understand their point of view completely.
I don't have lots of real social interaction these days, and this is my 5th year living alone, so I don't know if my ability to sympathize and pick up on emotional cues has been impaired by this lack of face to face human connection. It is very possible actually.
Watching that friend list grows makes me uncomfortable somehow. Not to mention the task of categorizing them into different groups. Who are "friends" enough to read my trivial complaints about the weather, and who should only see things I decide I want to make visible for everyone who can read. It's not just about privacy, it's also the typical feeling of an introvert, I don't want to bother people with my own problems, so those who don't really care about me should not be presented with information about my life.
If it weren't for Facebook, I wouldn't be conscious of the number of friends I have. Many of those would just be friends in the past, and that's exactly what they should be, since their current lives and mine don't really cross. Many others should just be acquaintances, someone I know by name and face even, but not really a deep connection, at least not deep enough to be a "friend". It's kind of scary to realize I will soon exceed 400 "friends" on Facebook.
It's tempting to remove a few, but Im also conscious of cultivating an online presence. In other words, I hope to influence the public opinion in certain directions, no matter how limited that influence is. So whenever I want to cut down on my friend list, I tell myself, just keep them, maybe someday they will support what you say, you never know. A weak tie might always bring about surprising result. So for the time being, I decide not to remove anyone.
2. Yet Facebook is helpful with the "hide this person..." and "follow" features. I actively eliminate some people from entering my news feed, if I don't see them posting anything of value for a while, or if I don't really care about their private lives. So that high school friend who always posts pictures of her baby daughter, I will hide. Or that friend who always whines about little problems, I will soon get tired and decide that I don't really want to waste my time reading that anymore. My facebook now acts almost as a news feed, because I selectively just read the updates of people who have something interesting to say, who share valuable news and ideas, or who I truly care as individuals. From times to times, when I suddenly recall a friend I haven't seen on facebook for a long time, I will type in their names and search for them, and skim through their profile to know what happens to them lately, or send them a message. In that way, I believe I have made facebook productive.
3. I try not to post negative status myself. I don't pretend Im a happy person, or that I only experience happy moments. Since I turn to treat facebook as a records of moments, I'd rather have a positive records. You will not likely see me post about the one hour wait in -20 degree for a bus with five bags of grocery, or the ultimate frustration when nothing is working and everything is a mess and all I could think of is "I want to quit". I just think people on facebook, again, are not close with me enough to be interested in those things, and those who are, have other ways to find out if they really want to know how I am. I write long emails to friends and use all sorts of instant messaging.
I increasingly consider facebook a channel to communicate my thoughts, rather a platform to express myself. It could also be because I have grown old enough to no longer need external validation for my identity. I have passed the phase of thinking about who I am, constructing an identity, trying it out and seeking approval. As a friend of mine says, we now have come to understanding who we are, and we accept it. Together with this acceptance is a diminishing need for social confirmation for different types of identity. For myself, I have now read enough about introversion and know there is nothing I need to fix about my social skills, and I am perfectly fine. That self-awareness changes the way I use facebook as well. Occasional updates to let the world know I am doing fine (skipping the downside), but mostly to build an audience, especially as a writer. I tend to treat facebook quite seriously nowadays.
4. My family members increasingly join facebook, which adds another layer of complication, who I am supposed to communicate here? In real social settings, each person assumes different social roles depending on the people they are interacting with, but when all these groups are mixed together in a cyberspace such as facebook, it's quite difficult to project an appropriate image for all. Something I want to tell my friends is not really suitable to my mother, for example. My grade 5 teacher, who is now also a "friend" on facebook, expressed her disappointment on a casual comment when I didn't visit her on the Teacher's Day, while it never dawned on me that she was expecting me to visit her, just because we recently became facebook "friends".
The same goes for colleagues and employers. Of course I know the rule, you should never add them on facebook, so I never do. And when they send me a friend request, I put them on a separate list. However, as careful as I am, there are still slippery things that could easily reveal information about myself they should not see. For example, one time a coffee shop I went to offered 10% off if I checked-in on my facebook, which I did. This kind of update however is set to be publicly visible, which lets a person know I was still in my country, and I had not finished the tasks he asked me to do. Nothing serious, but it is certainly better if he hadn't known.
5. There are lots of research and discussions on how the Internet has really shortened our attention span. That's of course very true. When I was younger, before I was introduced to this thing called computer, I could sit alone in a room and do my homework for 2 hours straight. I also realize that my thoughts get connected and new thoughts emerge during bus rides when I don't do anything. When Im in sitting with my laptop now, I couldn't go for more than half an hour without visiting facebook, except when I really need to finish a paper or read something very interesting.
I decided to track my time in a week, how much time I use towards what tasks, and actually I don't think I waste too much time on facebook. There are lots of nameless things I do everyday that take up time, so it's assuring to know facebook is not consuming a great chunk of my day. However, it's my ability to think deeply in a long period of time that Im worried about. I don't know how I can gain it back if things keep going this way. I don't have the option of giving up facebook anymore, since I am the admin of a few fan pages.
Just this evening, during a dinner with my landlady and my roommates, while everyone was engaged in a conversation, there are moments I almost reached for my phone, only to stop myself halfway and felt guilty of this temptation. I thought if I did, it's a way to indicate that I had withdrawn and was no longer interested in the conversation, and of course it's rude. So for half a minute I didn't hear a word, but talked inside my head, and tried to suppressed the urge to turn my attention to something else. Probably I need to start training myself to increase my ability to focus.
6. Recently I find myself having little patience when communicating with people, and I know I should work on that. I tend to find some remarks offensive, or ignorant a little too quickly, and worse, I let my feelings shown. Almost an argument broke out between a friend and me after I left a comment on his facebook status, and after both of us had expressed our disappointment with the other, I realized that I didn't understand the situation he was describing, and he didn't think I couldn't envision such a simple situation. I accuse him of being a sexist for demeaning women, he claimed that I was lacking basic social skill and projecting my feminist thinking onto simple and innocent jokes. The case finally resolved, but I got a lesson. Not to jump to conclusion too quickly, since you are never the other person, it's likely you will never understand their point of view completely.
I don't have lots of real social interaction these days, and this is my 5th year living alone, so I don't know if my ability to sympathize and pick up on emotional cues has been impaired by this lack of face to face human connection. It is very possible actually.
