Somewhere I belong

Over the course of 2 days (my last weekend), I had 4 deep conversations with 1 woman and 3 men. I talked with all the men using the Internet (skype, google hang out), and only met face-to-face with the women. By deep conversation, I mean we discussed more or less one topic for 1.5 - 2 hours, ranging from family and divorce, doing social science, the philosophy of knowledge, and sex work; rather than exchanging personal updates or saying random things that come to mind. Needless to say, I didn't finish everything I planned to do on the weekend, but I felt extremely fulfilled. I had enough of my social needs for a whole week, and I notice during the following week, I was much more relaxed around people and it seems much easier to start a conversation with someone next to me. Yay the power of deep conversation.

Not too long ago, I brought up the idea of vulnerability and how that prevents me from approaching people in another deep conversation (and again, with a man via skype). I often fear that Im bothering others by saying things they are not interested in. But ultimately, that's a fear of being vulnerable, because Im afraid of being judged. That's why when a friend asked what I think about single men who are not into dating purchase the service of sex workers to resolve their sexual frustration, I immediately knew how much vulnerability he has exposed himself to. I might as well say, wow, you are disgusting! It's one thing to discuss feminism, women's rights and the question of choice and agency in a detached, professional manner, and quite a different thing to have that question posed by someone I have known for a long time. I struggled to come up with a response. But that moment, we came much closer, because he was willing to let me in a big secret he would not dare revealing to anyone else. It was great to feel that Im trusted.

And another man I talked with is a practicing Buddhist currently in retreat. He has cut all connections with outside world for the last few months. So I was very delighted when he appeared all of sudden and asked if I wanted to skype. Naturally, we talked about the self, how we know what we know. I asked him the question I have been pondering in my mind for a while now. How do I touch others? How do I not see a man, a woman, a Canadian, a Vietnamese, but just humans? How do I stop putting people in boxes and treat them accordingly? How do I tear invisible but real barriers between me and others around? It was such a philosophical conversation in the style of storytelling. He made this comment that I was very pleased to hear. "It's very nice debating with you, because you actually listen even when I say something most people consider impossible. Others would jump to my face to defend their points."

So I replayed that comment later on and wondered if the discipline of doing qualitative research has exerted its influence on me. A researcher in training, I understand that I must refrain from judgement or imposing my own opinion, even when something I disagree with comes up. If that's true, then indeed understanding and empathy can be practiced. It takes a lot of self-reflection and sincere attempts, and time of course, but eventually I would improve.

At the same time, I find discussions in class are going in circular motions. People just recite what they read and throw out big words with no real engagement. It seems like critical thinking will be much more effective when the question at hand is more personal. That's why now I believe one doesn't have to be in school to learn.

 And I will need to have deep conversations more often.

Gần đây, báo chí và những người trên mạng chỉ trích lẫn nhau, và  phê phán những người trẻ khá nhiều về chuyện vô cảm, vô tâm, thờ ơ với thời cuộc, người xung quanh, xã hội. Họ nói như thể đấy là một đặc tính cố hữu của người Việt Nam, và cũng như mọi khi, chỉ trích chỉ để mà chỉ trích, tức là không phân tích tại sao lại như thế, cũng không nói phải làm thế nào để thay đổi. Tất cả cứ như một dàn đồng ca, thi nhau xỉa xói rằng người Việt vô tâm, người Việt lạnh lùng đến tàn bạo. Các bác người lớn đĩnh đạc trong nhà nước thì thường nói, giới trẻ ngày nay biến thái, vô cảm vì ảnh hưởng của nền kinh tế thị trường, của văn hóa phương tây, của các trang mạng xã hội độc hại, những câu các bác lải nhải bao nhiêu năm qua mà có khi cũng chẳng hiểu mình đang nói gì. Bản chất của cái việc phê bình mà không đưa ra nguyên do đấy khiến mình khó chịu không kém việc phải chứng kiến những biểu hiện của việc vô cảm kia.


Theo mình thì việc người ta thờ ơ, không dám lên tiếng khi chứng kiến cái xấu, không dám quan tâm khi nhìn thấy người bị nạn, bịt mắt trước những tổn thương của người khác, có mấy nguyên do thế này.

Thứ nhất, ngay từ bé, người ta đã không được phép quan tâm. Một đứa trẻ dám hỏi những câu mà cô giáo không biết sẽ bị quát bắt ngồi xuống, thay vì được khuyến khích hỏi tiếp. Một đứa trẻ dám thắc mắc khi nhìn thấy người lớn đưa bó hoa kẹp phong bì sẽ bị kéo đi, thay vì được trả lời. Có quá nhiều thứ một đứa trẻ lớn lên ở thành phố trong xã hội Việt Nam hiện đại (đối tượng bị phê phán chủ yếu, mấy người nông dân làm ruộng hoặc công nhân may chảy máu ngón tay có thấy bị chê là vô cảm bao giờ đâu), phải học cách hiểu và chấp nhận trong im lặng.

Từ cấp một lên cấp ba, mình bao nhiêu lần phải ngồi chép mỏi tay những bài thi tìm hiểu pháp luật, tìm hiểu Đoàn gì gì đó đơợc phát động mà không hiểu tí gì mình đang chép, chỉ biết là phải nộp cho xong. Rồi một đứa làm chi đội trưởng, liên đội trưởng, trong Đội Thiếu Niên Tiền Phong (đội ngũ kế cận của Đoàn, tức đội hậu bị của Đảng) cũng biết cách bịa đặt từ bé để ghi vào sổ những buổi sinh hoạt chi đội không diễn ra. Lúc đầu cô tổng phụ trách đọc cho viết, sau này đã quen thì tự bịa ra dựa vào các tháng trước. Tất cả những việc không đúng sự thật đó diễn ra như nước thấm dần, có thể đứa trẻ cắc cớ hỏi một hai lần, nhưng rồi nó cũng sẽ nhanh chóng học được cách im lặng. Mà để im lặng trước những điều không hiểu, không hợp lý, thì người ta phải lờ đi, phải giả như không biết, không nghĩ đến, lâu dần sẽ quen.

Đó là chưa kể sức ép phải giống như mọi người của một xã hội đã hàng nghìn năm vận động theo mô hình làng bản, tức là "lệ làng" là quyền uy tối thượng. "Phép vua" - tức là pháp luật quy chuẩn của nhà nước phải thua, thì tất nhiên cái tôi cá nhân bị đè bẹp dúm. Nếu lệ làng là nhìn thấy người ăn xin phải quay mặt đi, xua tay, thì ai không làm như thế sẽ bị coi là kì dị. Lệ làng là đi ngoài đường phải chen vào bất cứ khoảng trống nào, nếu không chen mà cứ nhường thì sẽ chôn chân mãi ở một chỗ. Mình nhớ hồi mới từ Canada về, quen thói lịch sự giữ cửa cho mọi người qua, không những không có ai nói câu cảm ơn mà tất cả mọi người cắm đầu đi qua, mình cứ đứng giữ mãi cuối cùng đành bỏ ra để cắm đầu đi giống mọi người.

Cũng là hồi mới về, mình hay có cảm giác khá khó chịu là thấy mọi người như đang di chuyển trong một quả bóng trong suốt, không ai tchạm vào ai. Có lẽ cảm giác đấy đến từ quá nhiều những xét nét (đi xe đạp thì sẽ không dám vào cửa hàng mua quần áo, mặc quần ngố thì không dám vào cửa hàng buffet) mà mọi người phải giữ kẽ để sống cho đúng khuôn khổ của nhau, và từ việc không ai dám quan tâm đến những điều có vẻ khác thường.

Nguyên nhân thứ hai của sự vô cảm (vô thưởng vô phạt) là do thiếu thông tin. Những thông tin đáng bàn nhất, đáng để gây tranh cãi nhất, đáng lẽ ở nước khác có thể gây ra bao nhiêu cuộc bút chiến hay khẩu chiến sâu sắc, thì ở nước ta đều bị bưng bít. Ví dụ như chẳng ai được phép nói về việc dân ở chỗ này chỗ kia đang khởi kiện chính quyền vì thu đất không đúng, dân đang vật vã bệnh tật vì nhà máy sản xuất xả chất thải công nghiệp vào nguồn nước mà kêu không ai xử lý, dân bị đàn áp, dân bị mất mùa vì tính toán sai của những doanh nghiệp thu mua nguyên liệu nhà nước, dân đánh cá đang bị Trung Quốc bắn tỉa. Tất cả những vấn đề không thể được nói đến đó đương nhiên tạo ra một khoảng trống lớn trên báo đài, và những cơ quan này lại phải lấp vào bằng những tin chẳng ảnh hưởng đến ai, những vụ việc mà dù có đấu khẩu hăng hái cỡ nào cũng không gây nguy hại cho nhà cầm quyền. Nào là ngực to ngực khủng, thằng bé này tí tuổi mà hợm hĩnh, con bé kia dám viết sách bịa đặt, anh ca sĩ nọ diễn trò trên sân khấu. Người dân bị dắt mũi bởi truyền thông, cũng cứ thế là đâm đầu vào bới móc, mổ xẻ, hăng hái tranh đấu vì ý kiến của mình, trong khi những tin tức thật sự cần tranh luận, phản biện, thì hoàn toàn vắng bóng.

Sự bưng bít thông tin này, mà thường là những thông tin đa chiều, dẫn đến việc người dân không có khả năng và thói quen nghĩ ngược lại với những gì mình được dạy, hay còn gọi là tư duy phản biện. Chính vì không thể nghĩ ngược, nên khi gặp cái gì không quen, họ không nghĩ, ngại nghĩ, sợ nghĩ, vì thế lảng tránh để khỏi phải nghĩ. Sự vô cảm là thói quen, vì từ bé đã không được dạy cách lên tiếng, cách thể hiện suy nghĩ cá nhân, và cũng là kết quả của sự bất lực, vì không biết làm thế nào để suy nghĩ độc lập. Vì các thông tin đều phập phù như thế, biết hay không biết cũng chẳng ảnh hưởng gì đến tình hình xã hội, hôm nay có thằng bé to mồm này để dân tình chửi bới thì mai phải có con bé ngu xuẩn khác để bà con lên án cho xôm.

Mình rất thích TED, nhưng khi TED về đến Việt Nam, tất nhiên không dám vơ đũa cả nắm, nhưng qua những video youtube mình xem các bạn quay lại các sự kiện đã tổ chức, thì mình khá thất vọng. TEDx ở Việt Nam không khác gì những sự kiện diễn thuyết các bạn trẻ tổ chức, mời một số người nổi tiếng nói những bài dài lê thê, không có trọng tâm, thậm chí nhạt nhẽo. Mình cứ tự hỏi nếu những người, tạm coi là có tầm ảnh hưởng đến công chúng, được quyền nói những thông tin có thể làm ảnh hưởng đến uy tín của nhà nước, mà không bị kiểm duyệt, được bàn luận về những cái xấu và cái tốt của bộ máy cầm quyền một cách tự do, được đưa ra chính kiến của họ mà không bị bỏ tù, thì liệu các bạn trẻ đang lắng nghe hau háu kia có học được cách suy nghĩ độc lập và nhìn sự việc từ nhiều phía, để từ đó bớt vô cảm hơn được không?

Cuối cùng, nguyên nhân gốc rễ của cả hai nguyên nhân trên, mình nghĩ là do thể chế chính trị. Nếu có sự đối thoại trong nhà nước, thì cũng sẽ có sự đối thoại trong nhân dân. Nếu người dân cảm thấy rằng họ có quyền chất vấn, và thật sự có khả năng xoay chuyển tình thế, họ sẽ quan tâm nhiều hơn. Những nước phương Tây người dân của họ phê phán chính phủ rất nhiều, họ sẵn sàng phản đối khi có điều gì không vừa lòng, tại sao nước họ vẫn mạnh, vẫn giàu? Còn ở nước mình, quyền phê phán của người dân chỉ gói gọn trong mấy bộ ngực và mấy nhân vật vô thưởng vô phạt, mỗi lần túm được vụ việc nào là báo chí không chịu để nguôi ít nhất vài tuần vì có thứ để giật tit, câu view; thì nước vẫn yếu, vẫn nghèo?

Mình không tin có cái gọi là "tính cách cố hữu" của người Việt Nam. Mọi thứ là do thể chế và cách tổ chức xã hội mà ra. Như Hàn Quốc và Triều Tiên, cùng một dân tộc, tiếng nói, văn hóa, tại sao một nước giàu có thịnh vượng, một nước nghèo dân đói đến mức phải ăn thịt người? Những sự bất lực, thờ ơ, vô tâm, đều có căn nguyên sâu xa của nó. Bạn mình bảo cứ về Việt Nam là thấy không khí ngột ngạt và bi quan, thấy người ta không chịu hành động, chỉ ngồi một chỗ than thở và nêu ra các lý do mình không thể làm được cái mình muốn. Ở một xã hội không khuyến khích sự khác biệt và tính phản kháng, mọi người khuyên nhau "lo cho cái thân mình yên ấm đã" hoặc tự nhủ "có cố cũng chẳng khác được gì, con vua rồi lại làm vua.". Chẳng phải chính Marx, người mà đi vào phòng họp của các UBND đều thấy đang ngồi sừng sững trên bệ, đã viết là "không có mâu thuẫn thì không có phát triển" sao?

Mâu thuẫn bị bóp chết, thành ra cái gì cũng xam xám, nhờ nhờ, trôi đi vô nghĩa, kể cả những người đang sống trong xã hội này.

Not all those who wander are lost


1. Since the beginning of this year, I've been thinking a lot about quitting jobs, applying to jobs, shifting between jobs, and on top of countless questions I've asked myself about jobs, I also deal with the choice between working and studying, my path in the future, my goals in life, my nature, my qualifications. In short, everything a person needs to know to figure out where she used to be, where she is, and where she is moving towards to. I struggle through the process, occasionally wish someone were there to tell me the answers. Yet when I look around, many of my friends are having the same problems at various extents. However, most of them think of these problems as personal stuffs, namely it's their own private matters to handle and settle. No one can tell them where to go, what to do, and how to make a decision about their own lives. Very true, but a commonness that thrives above all individual differences is the confusion and struggle that we young people all share. We fumble through choices and decisions, sometimes fall and hurt ourselves along the way. But why?

2. First of all, no "how-to-be-a-successful-person" books or "how-to-achieve-the-best-in-life" training course can tell you what you want. There are many principles, rules and arguments they talk about, and it's not easy to reach an agreement on what is actually the best way to succeed. Sometimes, information is even conflicting, just serves to drive the readers even more confused from a great pool of advice available. Yet, they are all similar in one thing. Their point of departure is an assumption that everyone already has a goal they want to reach. All self-help books and motivational courses aim at helping you materialize and make your dreams come true. Lots of instructions are given on the process of turning yourself into a great person.

Therefore, none of these rich resources teach you how to have a dream in the first place. They take it for granted that everyone must want something, and readers only need to work with a set of inborn and passionate dreams they have always held dear to their hearts. Which is absolutely not true, because not everyone is born with a mission that they are required to accomplish, much less a burning desire they are compelled to fulfill. The mainstream discourse makes it worse by always publishing messages and stories about people who forcefully move towards their goals, leaving the rest guilty as if having no dream to cherish is a crime. You don't have a dream, then you can't be a complete human.

Living in a post-modern period only makes the matter worse. We are encouraged to "find" our dreams, and not quit searching until we can "identify" something that we are totally thrilled to do and will never get tired of doing it. The notion of "looking for", and "searching" imply that "something" exists, it's always there, like an eternal treasure or a faithful servant waiting for us to discover. Such a dream sounds so much solid and still that we can grasp it with a little effort from our sides, and most importantly, we can not quit until we find it. That means we can keep hopping and leaving things along the way, until we are truly satisfied that we have come to "the dream". This sentiment of entitlement draws many young people (me included) into an endless cycle of asking "is this job the right one for me?" "should I quit to find something better?" "what if I am missing out on something great out there?"

On our way to "search" and "find" THE dream,  we are confused a lot, because we can never be sure, especially when we are young, whether the current job we have is the one. It doesn't have a label "best job for you", it doesn't tell us, there is no sign except our own feelings, which by the way is fleeting and unreliable. No one tells us how to "create" a dream, they just spread the message that first we need to find it, then hold it tight and make it come true. Yet when we find something that seems nice enough, we are reluctant because we don't know if it's the right one, so we don't apply the "how to be successful" rules, because it takes effort and determination, and when we can't be sure if this less than perfect job is worth the effort, we leave it to find something better. The cycle continues.

3. Secondly, after young people leave school, we lack a system of orientation. Having spent 16 years in a coherent and consistent system (assuming they finish undergrad degree), we are now left on our own to figure out when to grade themselves a 10 or a 0. During school time, there are certain times we need to work hard (i.e. exams) and times we can relax (summer vacation). We have fixed and clear goals we want to achieve (high scores, good remarks from teachers). And the rewards are obvious and predictable as well. Our lives revolve around this system, and as long as we follow the rules, we will win the game.

However, in an "adult" world, even black and white is not always separated, let alone "high score" and "low score". We and our best friends may choose different values to base our lives on. Some want to make lots of money, some want fame, yet some others want an intellectually challenging occupation. Some hope for security, some strive to be adventurous. As there is no teacher to tell us right from wrong, we look around and our peers only confuse us more. Paths diverse, and it's hard to measure one against another. Yet we young people are not usually aware of this split, we keep comparing ourselves to friends from high school or university, and we turn miserable if they earn more money than us, even if they are having the most boring jobs in the world!

Young people are left to build a new value system, and surely they are ill-prepared after so many years spent inside educational institutions' walls. Either they take whatever their families or their friends believe is the best for them without questioning, or they struggle to set up their own structure. Living in a hyper-connected world doesn't help. As we are constantly bombarded with news and updates from friends about their jobs, their ups and downs, or even their income and achievements, we can't help but feeling pressured to be at least as good as the best of them. No matter how many times we tell ourselves to stop doing that, deep down we still feel uneasy if somehow through a random conversation of facebook, we come to know that most of our friends are earning 400-500$ while we only earn 350$. Then either consciously or unconsciously, we feel something wrong, even if we can't name it. This only adds up to our relentless confusion and makes it more difficult to stay in the same place and feel satisfied.

When can we buy ourselves an ice-cream when neither our bosses nor our colleagues give us a score on our performance? When we have raise in salary? A promotion? An exciting task? By the way, none is these rewards are likely to take place among young people, who have joined the workforce for only a short time and lack any indicators to comfort themselves about their work.

4. Last but not least, as young people we can afford choosing among many options and changing our minds along the way. We don't have a family to support yet, and many of us are still supported by our parents, so we don't have to take into consideration a tight range of salary, distance from home to work, working hours, annual leaves, insurance and many other factors that a committed and married employee needs to think about when she or he wants to change jobs. We can travel a little further, accept a little lower payment, work a little longer, just to have the job we like. Again, since we are too free to start with, it's more difficult to make a sound decision. We are not bounded by many limitation as older employees as they are responsible for some other family members besides themselves, we only have our feelings to base our judgement on. It's great because it allows freedom, but not so great as it also allows precariousness. We shift and move continuously. Young people often lack the necessary experience and broad perspective to know what's best for us in the long term.

Moreover, as young people from certain social class background (I am talking about middle-class and above, urban youth), we don't have to worry about not having food to eat the next day if we quit this job and can't find a new one immediately. We have such a secure life that we can take the risk of being unemployed for months, even years. Some of us break the cycle altogether and become freelancers, which is great except that we know we can fall back on our parents whenever we need. This security is great also because it allows us more freedom as we rise above the necessities, yet it sways our decisions easily. As a result, we fumble and are not willing to commit or pay the price we need to pay. We are blanketed among our parents' arms, so we refuse to grow up. By switching jobs, we permit ourselves the right to act according to what we want, not what we need.

5. Nevertheless, I do believe that this stage of life is necessary and good. If we are confused and can afford being confused, then it's ok to be confused. If we fumble, fall, and fail at some points, and don't break ourselves or burden someone else because of our failures, then it's ok to fumble, fall and fail. If we don't know yet what we want, and can take the time to try different things, without going hungry or let someone else go hungry, then it's ok to not know what we want, at least for the time being. Of all the causes, I think the most important to me is rephrase the term "find your dream" to "create your dream". Only when we stop viewing dreams and goals as fixed and independently existing from ourselves, and change to think of them as a product of the process, which we "create" as we act, rather than something we "look for", "find" and only start working later.

Very few people know what they want from the beginning, even fewer are born with an innate mission. Thus, to embrace confusion, to greet difficult choices and to hold on to our questions even if we don't have an answer is good.  As Nietzsche once wrote: "One must have chaos in oneself to give birth to a dancing star."

A typical proposal scene, in which a man goes down on his knees, pulls out a ring box, looks up to his girlfriend and asks "will you marry me?", doesn't exist in a typical Vietnamese context. First off, Vietnamese men don't kneel down in front of a woman, except maybe his own mother. Secondly, while people in Western culture date because of interest, attraction and fun, Vietnamese people, if they date at all, it is already a scanning process. A Western girl is likely to burst into tears the moment her boyfriend presents her a ring because until then, she can't be sure if they will be together for good. A Vietnamese girl is not likely to date a man she can't visualize herself marrying him, therefore the announcement is nothing of a surprise to her.

But yesterday, I found a Vietnamese equivalence of the Western concept of proposal. It is when a man asks his girlfriend to visit his hometown. The question "Will you go to my hometown with me this Sunday?" is the Vietnamese version of "Will you be willing to spend your life with me?". Why?

First thing first, falling in love happens between two individuals, yet marriage is always more a family concern than a personal affair (of course I am talking about Vietnam here). A wedding happens between two families rather than between a man and a woman. You don't just acquire a husband, or a wife, you actually recruit a member to your family, who doesn't get the same upbringing, maybe doesn't share the same values, but nevertheless will share the responsibilities of supporting that family from now on. I still remember how at the New Year's prayer session took place in the village temple, almost everyone in my extended family on my paternal grandmother side (around 50), prayed together for one of my father's cousin to have a boyfriend because she was reaching 29. I wasn't shocked, but found it a bit amusing that collectively, the family was concerned with her personal choice. Once you reach a certain age, if you are still single, the matter will concern your whole big family because it affect the family's blessing, and people will talk about it as a very bad fortune that results from a bad sum of karma accumulated collectively.

Thus, I dare say that once a Vietnamese man introduces his girlfriend to his big family, it is a kind of commitment made public. A proposal in a romantic restaurant can be broken without much publicity, but once half of the village (it's how far an extended family goes) knows of a potential mate, nothing will go undetected.

A formal introduction, in which a girlfriend is introduced, is also a chance for everyone to judge, discuss, extract information and for the (usually nervous) young lady to show her best. It is more or less a beauty pageant, except that the criteria on which judgments are based include her look, her dressing style, her way of walking, her cooking skills, her speaking manner, her family background, and all subtle cues people can think of to judge a person. Brief information will be exchanged, such as how many siblings, how old her parents are, where they work, but this is only for show because most of the time people already try to find out everything they can about the candidate. They will discuss in whisper, cast her a glance here and now, the women will sit in a group of two or three while the men do the talking. Not to mention that neighbours and even  further related relatives will drop by occasionally, either in groups or alone, to check out someone who will potentially become a part of them, and leave again rather hurriedly.

Once a young man takes his girlfriend to his hometown, he is making a public statement: "I think I am very likely to marry this woman, and she will be a part of my family" It is a symbolic sign of commitment that holds much stronger power than a physical ring. Starting from that moment, he will be asked (sometimes by a mere acquaintance) when the expected wedding will take place, and an either mild or fierce social pressure to jump a step will doom on the couple's heads. That's when they know words have circulated to even further-related people, and the fact of a coming formation of a new family is being confirmed.

This confirmation can take place as small talks between seemingly trivial people who don't directly have any influence on the couple's decision. Maybe an exchanged gossip between two great aunts when they are on their way to the morning market, but this is truly the needed confirmation. Everything afterwards, such as talks between two families at stakes, announcement to friends, even a wedding itself, is only a matter of formality. The fact that these two people are about to get married has been widely known and accepted way before that.

The introduction, and this girlfriend will leave a permanent mark in his life, because if someday they break up, every other girls he will take to his extended-family will be compared to this one. They can be better, they can be worse, it doesn't matter. What matters is as she is now officially known to his family, she will no longer stay within the realm of his own concern. He has done a crucial step in transforming a private matter to a collective one. The relationship after becomes a topic of discussion in family gathering. A changing of role just happens. People stop viewing him as a young man only, he may be promoted to the same level of respect as his grandfather, father and uncles. He opens up a new stage of life, namely a potential mature and married man.

The same stuffs happen to a girl when she introduces her boyfriend to her extended-family, but as women are married into their husband's family, thus the impact of receiving a new member is not as great in her family, reducing the stress on the man as well as intensity of her family's judging process.

1. One evening I arrived at a pavement underneath a bridge only to find out my friends hadn't left their houses yet. So I waited. I usually can't stand not doing anything for one moment, but because I had expected my friends to be there when I came, I didn't bring with me anything to kill time. I looked around and saw a xe om man. He was sitting on his motorbike underneath the bridge. He was waiting for a customer, but no one, including himself, could know for sure when the next customer would show up. He was there, waiting for someone that may never come.


A xe om driver is such an intrinsic part of every street in urban Ha Noi. Sometimes a few of them sit together, sometimes one sits by himself. No one really pays much attention to them, except those who are looking for a ride. People pass by without a second glance. Xe om don't stand out more than a wall, a tree, or a bridge. They are a part of the scene, they are always on a spot from morning to late night, in the rain and in the sun, without much interaction to the world around them. They just sit there, sometimes so immobile that they become almost invisible.


I remember the time I saw a xe om early morning on the first day of New Year. The street couldn't be more desert as everyone had either returned home or were at home, and he was there, sitting on his motorbike at his usual spot. More than anything, the first day of the New Year is time for family, and it couldn't be any other thing. So much that I, and the majority of Vietnamese, consider it sacred. When I saw a human figure on a motorbike at a street corner that early morning, all definitions of loneliness seemed inadequate.


Back to the xe om underneath the bridge,  even though we were both waiting, I had a definite end while he didn't. I would just wait until my friends came, but he would be sitting without any certain point in time. Suddenly I felt desperate. I have never in my life waited for something, day in and day out, without a single clue of how long the wait will last. I wanted to talk to him, but didn't know how. The 2m distance between us seemed hopelessly vast.


Vehicles kept passing by. Two silent figures parked near each other under the bridge. I didn't know if he was even aware of my presence. He seemed indifferent to the world, as if nothing but a customer would spark his interest. I couldn't start a conversation, I struggled to find a word, then I quit. We both stayed still, there was a world of difference between us.


2.  When I was still working for Bloom, I spent about 3 days a week talking to female farmers. They would tell me how their children's teachers had reminded them of paying tuition too often lately and how the children didn't want to go to school anymore because they were ashamed of not paying on time. They would explain how they had done everything they could think of but couldn't save the chickens that they invested all the loan in from dying. Or how they were willing to do absolutely anything, including spraying pesticides, a job that everyone wishes to avoid and often hires poor people to do it instead. 


And the rest 4 days of the week, I went back to my normal life. Sometimes I spent on a new pair of jeans the amount of money a woman needed to keep her daughter in school for the next semester. Sometimes I bought a pile of books which costed me the equivalence of an investment in 2 piglets. And one time I was invited to a luxurious meal which I didn't enjoy that much (I am never a big fan of seafood), only found out later that the total cost for that meal was 10 million, a huge number that many of the borrowers I worked with just needed to completely change their lives and their children's.


The thought of a separation between a "working life" and a "normal life" disturbed me a lot. It seems so wrong that half of the time people surrounded me needed a few millions to pay back debts, send their children to school, start a new business and even have a chance to break out of poverty, while during the other half, those surrounded me spent the exact amount of money without a second thought. I felt guilty when I was among the latter, but I didn't know what else to do. There, I talked to the farmers, was welcomed into their houses and shared their difficulties, but the distance between us was a world apart.


3. I have friends on facebook who pride themselves in a passion for travelling. They often upload tons of pictures of themselves going to different places. But they see more through their camera lenses than their own eyes. And while at a new place, they spend more time taking pictures of the local people or worse, posing and taking pictures of themselves than interacting with the latter or even just looking at them. 
I don't like that way of travelling, but I guess my friends are too afraid to reach out, or don't know how to start, or maybe they don't consider touching a place through its people a part of travelling. Who cares? Just bring back loads of pictures, people will admire you and your adventurousness. Just like I didn't know how to start a conversation with another human being, or struggle to fit my way of living with many others.


One day I went out to get my cell phone a nylon cover. I watched the man skillfully use very simple tools to place a super thin plastic cover on the screen. At some points his hands almost fondled the object and caressed every single tiny space he could find on it. Very delicate and patient. I tingled with an urge to write something about him, because the way he moved his hands seemed like an art to me. So I started asking him questions: "How did you learn to do this?" "Is it difficult?", "What do you need to set up a shop?"..but my attempt failed. I didn't know whether he preferred to be quiet and focus on his job or whether my questions were too intimidating. I went home and google "nghề dán điện thoại". A bunches of articles came up, I read until I felt sorry for myself that I have to turn to google to find something that was right in front of my face.


4. The world we are living is flat in the sense that it allows us to reach further and further. It is probably true, but I would say we are not reaching deeper, at least not to people who are very different from ourselves. Instead we confine ourselves to our own little worlds, we interact with people similar to us, and withdraw into our private spaces so  much that when it is time to come out, we become too afraid or reluctant.
Isn't it sad that I can reach people thousands of kilometers away by my fingertips but couldn't touch those right next to my hands?

She is at the age of 16, ready to get married next month, to a man she has known for barely 6 months, and into a future she is not sure of.
After all, there is nothing to be sure of in this life, don't you know that, baby?

She is the youngest of three, her two older brothers are in China, working and searching for their two step sisters, who were tricked and trafficked a few years ago. She has three step sisters, from her father's first and third wives (her own mother is his second wife). All three of them got trafficked to China. One has escaped and come back by herself, just to be arrested shortly for involvement with drugs. This sister, whose 5 years old son is  being taken care of by her mother, now spends her years prison to pay for a punishment she may not have deserved in the first place. Two out of the three step sisters are still missing. Her own brothers are looking for them, hope drying up every day they spend there without any trace of the two.
The little boy, whose mother is in prison, and father is unknown, lives with her and her mother. He is very naughty, but cute. Maybe he is their source of comfort and hope?

She dropped out of school after grade 5. She wasn't that much interested in schooling. Her family is poor, besides everyone thinks she has a mental problem. When she was young, she fell into a pond and almost died. That accident must have affected her brain. She doesn't know if it's true, that's what everyone says. Since then, she worked a bit on the fields, a bit in a restaurant, a bit in a nearby factory, or sometimes nothing at all.
What is the motivation to go to school for a girl with no money, no hope, and believes herself to be incompetent? What role does education play anyway? No one can guarantee that if you finish grade 12 you will be able to feed yourself for the rest of your life, while growing rice does.


She has a friend. This friend always tells her she can earn good money by working in a restaurant the latter  knows. She has come with this friend twice, to a place about 40km away from her own village. She didn't tell her mother or pack any clothes with her. "That will be taken care of" - her friend said. So she just waited for a good moment, walked out of the house and went straight to a person her friend had arranged to pick her up not too far from the house. Twice, her mother had gone searching for her and brought her back. One time, the people in that restaurant were particularly difficult and did all they could to prevent strangers from going inside. Her mother had waited for her outside and seized her the moment she appeared, ran back to the motorbike and drove home.
At the age of 16, we always listen to our friends and never take our parents seriously, don't we?


She doesn't believe her mother when she said her friend wanted to traffic her. It's just a job, like any other job, why couldn't that old woman understand? Her mother even wanted to file a complaint and report to the police, but with her in the house and no damaged done, the police would never lift a finger. People advised her mother to notify the Women's Union, but again, since no one is missing, the Women's Union staffs have their own problems to solve before sticking their noses into someone else's business. Her mother was frustrated, then helpless. She doesn't listen, and there is no one around to discipline her. Her mother works in construction site 10 hours a day, every single day of the week.
How does it feel to see someone so dear to your heart run straight to danger but you have no way to stop them? 


She met this guy, who is very much her first romance in life. He is 12  years older than her, a construction worker himself. He seems nice, and wants to marry her. Her mother has visited his family, and they are good as well. So the wedding is set. With nothing much to look forward to, she happily settles down to marriage, even though she is more like a kid herself. Her mother, dreads that she will be trafficked again, hopes that once married, she will no longer the target of traffickers, and a new role as a wife will do it magic. She will turn into a proper adult after the wedding, and the burden will be lifted from her mother's shoulders, who has already been pushed to the end of tunnels so many times before. Being a single mother almost all her life with the two sons away, the best solution her mother can think of is to give her daughter to a man, and hopes that he will take good care of her, because she has tried her best, but has failed to do that.
How much choice any of these women have over their lives, do you think?


Being a very young wife, and very likely a young mother, she virtually can't escape the circle of poverty. The wound in that family continues furthering down and even enlarging in more generations to come. The link was broken once, when her father decided to have multiple wives, and no one knows how much it will take to mend this rupture.

If my 4 years in university teaches me anything at all, it is "always try to be critical". To be an intellectual means you don't take things at face value, but instead must utter all your strength, mind and effort to maintain a distance from reality and be able to criticize it.