Somewhere I belong

Bạn Nấm 23 tuổi, có lẽ cao khoảng 1m30. Thường mỗi khi gặp chỉ thấy cái đầu bạn lấp ló sau chùm bóng  lúc nào cũng như sắp tuột khỏi tay để bay lên trời, nên cũng không cảm thấy bạn thấp lắm. Sau khi biết là bằng tuổi nhau, tôi chuyển sang xưng hô "bạn - tớ", nhưng không biết vì quen hay để thể hiện sự tôn trọng mà bạn vẫn tiếp tục gọi tôi là "chị".

Bạn Nấm hay đứng bán bóng ở đài phun nước bờ Hồ. Cứ đi qua hay đứng lại một chút mà nghe bạn nói chuyện và cười đùa với những người bán bóng bay khác thì tưởng bạn chỉ là một cô bé 16 tuổi vô lo nhất trần gian. Cá heo nhé, hay là ăng ri bớt, em có cả con chim màu xanh, chị có lấy không? Sự hiền lành và trong trẻo của cô gái ấy vẫn chưa bị việc bán buôn nơi góc đường làm lu mờ thì phải, nên bạn không chèo kéo, không nài ép, không nói thách, chỉ mời khách khi họ hỏi, và cười.

Một tay lúc nào cũng giơ thẳng đứng lên trời vì bị chùm bóng đủ cả siêu nhân công chúa Pikachu trái tim xanh đỏ kéo. Tay kia nắm lấy một thanh tre, đầu thanh tre buộc một chùm bóng cầm tay, bóng này không bay nhưng mà có buộc quả chuông nên kêu leng keng, trẻ con rất thích cầm chơi. Bạn người Bắc Ninh, lên Hà Nội từ năm 16 tuổi và cũng bán bóng được gần 6 năm rồi.


Em chắc là có duyên bán bóng bay ý chị ạ. Hồi đầu tiên em lên đây là đi giúp việc cho một nhà chủ, vì ở quê em là chị cả, còn 5 đứa em nữa cơ, nên bố mẹ em bảo đi làm còn phụ bố mẹ nuôi các em. Đợt đấy cứ mỗi lần ra ngoài đường em thấy cái gì cũng lạ lắm, sao mà lắm người lắm xe thế. Rồi em nhìn thấy những người ta cầm bóng bay đi bán ngoài đường này này, em cứ nghĩ bụng cầm thế nhỡ chẳng may bóng bay lên trời thì sao, rồi cầm lắm thế bán đến bao giờ mới hết. Nhưng mà em cứ hay ngắm vì bóng bay vừa nhiều màu, lại nhiều hình, có lần em thấy một cô công chúa mặc váy xòe bay lên trời đấy.

Có cả một đội quân bán bóng bay đứng ở đài phun nước bờ Hồ. Cứ mỗi lần có người dừng lại, hoặc có vẻ muốn mua bóng, là ít nhất hai ba người sẽ xúm lại hỏi han. Tôi cũng chẳng nhớ tại sao tôi đã mua bóng của bạn Nấm, hôm đấy tôi mua một con Angry Bird màu đỏ, ba mươi nghìn về cho cháu Nhím, mà lúc mang về thì cháu đã về mất, một tuần sau là bóng xịt, chim đỏ không bay lơ lửng được nữa bị tống vào thùng rác.


Đi làm, xa nhà lần đầu tiên nên em rất nhớ bố mẹ và các em. Em cứ đợi nhà chủ đi là em lại lấy điện thoại gọi điện về nhà. Đến cuối tháng em bị mắng té tát, và bị trừ lương vì gọi điện nhiều quá. Một thời gian sau em đánh vỡ một cái bát, mà nhà chủ nói mãi, còn xúc phạm đến bố mẹ em ở quê, lúc đấy em xin nghỉ việc, nhưng không dám về nhà mà cứ đi lang thang ở ngoài đường cả buổi chiều. Đến chập tối thì có một chị đi qua, chị ý hỏi em có chỗ ngủ chưa, không thì về chỗ chị ý ngủ. Chỗ chị ý có bao nhiêu là bóng. Ai cũng bảo con bé này bé tí thế thì có làm nổi việc nặng không? Cuối cùng em xin các chị ý cho đi bán bóng cùng.

Nghe chuyện của bạn mà tôi rùng cả mình. Có bao nhiêu cô gái như thế, đi theo một người phụ nữ tốt bụng như thế, và đã bị rơi vào nhà chứa, bị ép thành gái bán dâm, và vĩnh viễn bị cướp mất con đường làm người lương thiện? Từ tốt đến xấu có xa xôi gì đâu. Chỉ cần là một cô gái trẻ, bơ vơ, bối rối, và không có chỗ để quay về. Cô gái đang cười rất tươi đứng trước mặt tôi đã có một ngã rẽ may mắn, và đang kiếm tiền chân chính bằng những trái bóng đủ màu đã từng khiến cô ngẩn người đứng ngắm đến nỗi suýt bị xe đâm, nhưng cuộc đời cô cũng hoàn toàn có thể đã rẽ sang ngả khác.

Nấm chọn nghề bán bóng vì nó nhẹ, phù hợp với khổ người hạt tiêu vì bạn không thể gánh những thúng hoa quả nặng đến năm sáu chục cân như các chị các cô khác. Còn một lý do nữa, là đi làm thế này bạn có nhiều tự do hơn so với đi làm nhà máy hay giúp việc gia đình. Bạn Nấm không thích về quê, và khi tôi hỏi đã bị giục lấy chồng chưa, bạn chỉ lắc đầu lè lưỡi. Lựa chọn của cô gái ấy cũng có thể là sự phản kháng lại một tương lai cố định: lấy chồng, đẻ con, nuôi con, nuôi cháu. Mỗi ngày bạn đếm từng người khách mua bóng, biết là hôm nay mình bán được mấy con Kitty, mấy con cá mập, và mỗi buổi chiều sớm, khi đứng xếp hàng bơm bóng ở chủ lò, bạn lại nhìn mây đoán trời nắng hay mưa, vì nếu bơm nhiều mà bị mưa bất chợt, bóng bị ngấm nước sẽ hỏng hết.

Buổi sáng bạn Nấm đi dọn nhà thuê, tiền công được vài chục. Buổi chiều đi bơm bóng, chiều muộn đi rong vài phố rồi tối đứng ở đài phun nước. Đêm khuya, tầm 11h, mới rảo bước đi về. Trưa nào cũng ăn mì, đến nỗi mấy chị ở cạnh phải thốt lên khen ngợi tài ăn mì gói ngày này qua ngày khác. Tối ăn linh tinh, hàng gì đi qua thì ăn hàng nấy. Lâu lâu về thăm nhà một lần. Thinh thoảng đang đứng lại có một đôi cô dâu chú rể cùng đoàn tùy tùng ra chụp ở đài phun nước, tiện thể mượn chùm bóng bay làm nền, trêu chọc nhau cười rộn rã.

Có một lần em đang mải bán hàng cho một chú mua bóng cho con gái, thì có một ông hỏi "bóng bán thế nào đây". Em ngước lên thì nhận ra là ông phó phường Hàng Bài. Ông ý túm lấy tay em rồi giằng bóng. Em giằng co một lúc nhưng vì ông ý là đàn ông nên không giật lại được. Mọi người ai cũng xin tha nhưng ông ý không nghe. Bóng của em bị thả lên trời hết. Lúc đấy người em như không còn tí sức lực nào, chẳng biết làm gì nữa. Em ngồi bệt xuống đường, nước mắt trào ra như suối. Có người cho em năm chục, người cho một trăm. Lúc đấy em vừa ra, còn chưa kịp ăn gì, mà miệng đắng nghét chẳng ăn nổi nữa. Em thất thểu đi về, hôm sau lên cơn sốt. Chỗ bóng bị thả mất em phải trả nợ đến mấy tuần sau mới hết.

Bạn Nấm có hàm răng rất đều, mỗi tuần tự cho phép mình đi đắp mặt một lần, hay mua kem đãi các chị bán bóng cùng nếu là người mở hàng đầu tiên, và đã nói chắc như đinh đóng cột với tôi rằng "em tin vào lựa chọn của mình".

How painful is it to relive and express your pain in public? How brave do you need to be in order to subject yourself to public judgement?


Contemporary art is catching up in Vietnam. Every month, there would be some events that relate to this specific form of art, be it a painting exhibition, a dance performance, or a play with unusual structure or interactive format. While creating and enjoying contemporary art is becoming more and more trendy, using it to present and tackle social issues is even more fashionable.

"Inviting myself to hope" is a very beautiful translation of the title of a famous song by Trinh Cong Son
Tôi ơi đừng tuyệt vọng" literally means "Hey me, don't despair". While the Vietnamese phrase is an encouragement, resulting from a bad outcome, the English version is a positive attitude. These are the name of a contemporary art performance put together by CSAGA* and a few big sponsors. The actresses are advertised as unprofessional performers and former victims of domestic violence. Now, after participating in a project aiming at supporting domestic violence victims for a few years, they have gathered enough courage to participate in a show about their own sorrow.

The play sent shiver down my spine many times, especially when the actresses expressed their reactions to violence. They crawled, they rolled, they cried, they screamed, they laughed, they became crazy, they froze, they were so frightened that they lost consciousness. Through the medium of play, they were free to act out their pain, and unlike traditional plays, the line between reality and imagination was blurred to a great extent. This play can be scripted, but all actresses have first hand experience of how being beaten days after days feels like, therefore, the performance transforms itself from a pure play to a recounted story of real events and real emotions.

There is quite clear story line, comparing to other attempts in conveying messages in contemporary art. I am not sure whether the crew wants to make the play as easy to understand as possible (since it aims at the mass audience and to raise awareness, rather than selective cultural elites who like to ponder upon complicated matters) or whether they just have a very urgent message that needs to get through and they can't take the risk of letting the audience draw their own conclusion. Phase one, some women got beaten, they became despaired, the men were shown to be aggressive, addicted to gambling and drinking. Phase two, the women got together, gained strength as a group, reclaimed their power. Phase three, the men realized their mistakes, were sorry for their awful deed, were forgiven by the women, and a happy ending. Everyone danced in the sunlight and the song of Trinh Cong Son was played as background music.

Even though movements and speaking tones were not as refined as those of professionals, I could still recognized some great efforts were made. However, there are two issues that keep coming back to my mind during the play. First, the men were depicted in a very criminal manner, while the women a victim-like manner. The men were all about aggressiveness, cheating, lying, abusing, while the women were only suffering, covering their faces with their hands, crying in the dark and offering their hands, both to their peers and to the men by the end. There was a very hostile distance between the two sexes, as if the men only know how to beat, and the women don't do anything else but crying. Criminalization of the male makes them seem irrational. Why are they the frightening creatures that only beat and abuse, and would why the women stick with them at all? Victimization of the female makes them irrational as well. Why do they only cry and suffer, and why don't they just leave the abusive men? Depicting one sex with all negative traits, namely all the men in the play were abusive and horrifying, makes their violent acts seem innate. They are bad, all of them are bad, nothing else to say. On the other hand, portraying all the women in the play as tolerant and passive make their suffering natural too. More than once, people in the audience commented how Vietnamese women are known and admired for their great tendency to scarify and consider the interest of others before their own. As everyone refers to this virtue as a legacy, it's not a big surprise that women would  internalize the duty to be willing to scarify anything, anytime so much that they forfeit their self-defense system.

However, despite being depicted as evils, the men still didn't bear the responsibility. They were either gambler, drinker or mentally ill. This, to me, is problematic as well, as this portrayal decentres the men from their bad behaviours, providing them a cause to blame. Do only men who drink, gamble and have mental problem beat their wives? Do only these irrational men, who are not always in the best state of their mind, abuse women? Does it mean that men who are in good shape, good mental state will never commit crimes against women? No, absolutely not. Creating a cause to blame is dangerous, because whenever people think of an abusive man, they will think of an external cause that happens to him. A man in the audience actually commented that sometimes men are abusive because they face failure in business, and they vent on their wives. That is a patterned way of getting the men out of the matter, freeing them from guilt, and shifting the blame, if not to the wife, then to an external factor. Then the men play the role of a victim themselves. When they are not seen as a rational being who is in full control of their acts, they can explain away their wrong deeds by claiming victims to their rage, their disappointment, their hot temper, their drunkenness, their greed (to earn money by gambling), or their unstable state of mind.

The play is a nice try in bringing out voices from an usually unheard group in society. I believe that when someone is empowered to speak up about her pain, the pain will subdue. However, a better contextualization is needed. If lots of Vietnamese men beat up their wives, the problem can't be blamed on one or two individual men with drinking or gambling addiction. Yet, they shouldn't be viewed to be bad inside out either. A most humane and sociological way, I think, is to place them among all the norms, beliefs and viewpoints that are so commonplace we forget they contribute a great deal to our daily activities. The men, even when they are perpetrators, shouldn't be separated from their social context. No one would beat their wives if they know, and sincerely believe that it's wrong. They must have some reasons and justifications for their acts. To dig deeper into these underlying assumptions and norms will require even more efforts, time and efforts. Meanwhile, at least the play "Inviting myself to hope" has achieved its main goal of spreading the message, because at the debut show the Youth Theatre's 600 seats were filled.

 * Centre of Studies and Applied Science for Gender - Family - Women and Adolescence

1. One time I was talking with a foreign friend, she asked about my family and I told her I have a 3 years old niece. Trying to practice the little Vietnamese she has learnt, she said "oh, so she would call you cô then". I laughed at her eager attempt and corrected that my niece calls me "dì", because I am her mother's younger sister, and "cô" is used for her father's younger sister only. Of course, my friend once again complained about how complicated the family nouns system in Vietnamese is, and how difficult it is for people with little awareness of family relation from other cultures to learn the language that is filled with relatives terms. For me, it was a moment when I realized how deep patriarchal thinking runs in our minds. Whenever we talk with a strange woman about our parents' age, by default we call her "cô", i.e. we conceive the world in terms of our fathers' bloodline. Maternal family is considered "external" while parental family is considered "internal". And the old saying goes: "Daughter in law is your real daughter, son in law is forever a guest".

2.  It's been almost a year now since I came home. I have been reintegrated into family life, which means that my brother would sit still while I clean the dishes, or I can stay in my room when he carries something heavy. These are parts of normal socialization that everyone understands and expects. I don't think gender equality means my brother and I need to break tasks like dish-washing and carrying heavy stuffs into absolutely equal halves.

When my brother was in grade 9, he was bullied in school, and my father was mad not because  such a bad practice was prevalent but rather because his son was weak and not manly enough. He saw it as a personal problem, and told my brother to man up, to act aggressive, and fight back. I never have such a problem, so I never know what I can and should do if someone bullies me. In a boys' world, there is only one solution: to use your fist.


3. A few days ago I saw on facebook a picture of a little girl with some caption explaining that she was dropped in front of pagoda. She was raped brutally and her private part was bleeding very bad. The girl is about 4, crying all the time and scared of all strangers. She was kidnapped and to this moment, no one knows about her family's whereabouts yet.

Stories like this are not common, but not rare either. What caught my attention is how facebook users respond to the image. Most express their sympathy to the child and anger to the violator. However, the discussion goes something like "he must be mad", "he must have watched too much porn", "he must have some mental problem, no normal human being would do something like this". The majority of commentors are women, and they also talk about how the child is not older than their own daughters.

The problem here, I guess, is that people make this case, as well as the criminal, exceptional. By granting him some special conditions of mental illness, or under the influence of some stimulation, being it porn, bad moral character, or a wrong upbringing, they make him excusable. By refusing to see him as a normal part of society, and acting out of rational thinking like any ordinary human, they distance the raper from themselves. As long as people deny the real source of dreadful act like this, namely, conventional beliefs and cultural values that make women and girls objects for men, especially sexual objects, and worth less than men, cases like the little girls will continue to happen.


4. I have seen a young man taking care of his young son while his wife ate her meal, but older men teased him for bringing the boy to a men's table. I have also heard of mother in law scowl her daughter in law for letting the husband wash her clothes, men who could not participate in any social events in their villages because they are not seen as a man (human) and suffer from constant public humiliation until they get a son. And of course, there are women who do not dare to get off their high heels even when their bodies hurt because they will not be feminine enough.

Gender equality should simply mean that both women and men are free to do what they want regardless of their genders. I don't think we can solve women's problem without liberating men, because no one is inherently bad, the majority of us only do what society teaches us to do. It is not one crazy man who raped the little girl, it is the whole system, even those sit at their computers  typing sorrowful words.


http://www.ted.com/talks/tony_porter_a_call_to_men.html  (this talk makes me cry)

Last time when I mention this issue in my blog, it was only a complaint from a concerned mother who sent her child to one of Bloom's study trip. The borrower her money funded a loan for didn't use it for dogs, so it raised concern, but did no harm. All we needed to do was to assure her that we would never support or engage in practicing animal cruelty. But till then, none of our borrowers want to borrow money to raise dogs. But the fear has finally come true. There is one request for loan to raise dogs, from a particularly difficult situation.

This matter has been discussed, and the result is likely to be a big "NO", because of the worry that "one bad comment/review on tripadvisor will hurt the business so bad". Precisely because Bloom is so young and dependent on words of mouth, we don't dare to do anything against the taste of our clients. And everyone knows where the most forceful animal activists come from. The West, of course. It is also where the most of our money come from.


So one disadvantage of combining tourism with mircrofinance is the need to please consumers. We more or less produce a service, they consume it, if they are happy, they pay, and with their money, we grow. When the customers have different values and beliefs than the people at the other end of this consumption, namely those who love eating dogs and rely heavily from money earned from them, this can create strains. If customers is more valued, i.e. demand of capital is higher than supply for capital, then it's their value and beliefs that are taken into account.


This particular woman is a special case. Here is what I wrote about her and put in the borrowers' database:




But she won't get a loan, as long as it is against the belief that dogs should not be eaten, held by those who supply the capital for her loan.
Isn't it very much imposing what you think are right on others? And you claim that you are trying to experience true and authentic Vietnamese culture, just want to do good and feel happy to make a difference? And what about "an equal exchange relationship"?

So the question is not whether we should eat dogs or not, but rather it is whether we should, according to our love for dogs and animal ethics backed by a comfortable life and secure livelihood, deny a woman a chance to feed her children and improve her life?