Isolation
This afternoon I woke up from a nap with an incredible sense of sadness. Im the type of person that would be lost when asked "what do you do when you feel sad?". I probably will think about times when I got rejected by a job, a scholarship, or something I failed to do. The sky was grey. There was a heavy silence surrounding me. I had no one to talk to, nowhere to go, and nothing in particular I wanted to do. Of course there is always reading to do, papers to write, but who wants to read when that chilling sadness creep in and fill your soul?
Loneliness is something you can run, but can't hide from. I've promised myself that I will try many things, events and people. I have forced myself to come to the department's social events, and as usual, tried my best to stay for half an hour, then left as fast as I could. I have tried two meditation groups, but didn't like them. Im volunteering for two organizations, participating in a group workshop for international students every week, taking classes, doing my TA duties. No, it's not because Im having too much free time and don't know what to do with it. I actually don't have enough time to do everything I want to do. Im bitten by guilt everyday for lagging behind in my data analysis for the thesis. People, including my mom, have this misconception that people feel lonely when they spend too much time alone (which admittedly I do) and have nothing useful or interesting to do. Not at all.
On a bus back from school last Wednesday, I was so mentally tired. Living away from home is like a long and never-ending struggle. You may not think about it on a day to day basis, but that doesn't do away the fact that you are struggling. From times to times, a chunk of negative emotions surfaces, waving to you to make sure you know they are still there. You should make some friends, I often hear. And I tried going to events that are organized to help people meet new people. But that's tiring as well. Hello, what's your name? My name is... Where are you from? What are you studying? After a few times, I stopped going altogether. I didn't have the patience to repeat that hollow introduction until a friend happens.
Or you should talk to someone. Sure, I do tell some people my feelings. But I don't think they understand. I have tried telling them, because I know this as well, you should give other people a chance to understand you. A woman in the volunteer group said "if you don't tell me your story, how am I supposed to know it?" I hate that hollowness, after I tried so hard to articulate how I feel, the other person would say something and I knew immediately s/he had no clue what I've been trying to say. It's like open up your heart, waiting to receive some warmth, but instead a cold wind suffocates you.
For the last few days, I have dreams of whoever interacts with me last on Facebook. If before going to bed, I see someone like my post, I see that person in my dream. It's not because I don't interact with anyone in real life during the day. I go to campus from Monday to Thursday, participate in group discussion, talk to people, but somehow all of those don't register in my brain. It's as if my everyday life here, in a university in Canada, doesn't mean anything. Sometimes I can't tell if some information is from a real conversation, a comment I see on facebook, a dream, or my own imagination. That could be scary, not being able to remember if something is real or not.
Isolation is not good for me...But even when Im surrounded by other people, the feeling doesn't go away.
Loneliness is something you can run, but can't hide from. I've promised myself that I will try many things, events and people. I have forced myself to come to the department's social events, and as usual, tried my best to stay for half an hour, then left as fast as I could. I have tried two meditation groups, but didn't like them. Im volunteering for two organizations, participating in a group workshop for international students every week, taking classes, doing my TA duties. No, it's not because Im having too much free time and don't know what to do with it. I actually don't have enough time to do everything I want to do. Im bitten by guilt everyday for lagging behind in my data analysis for the thesis. People, including my mom, have this misconception that people feel lonely when they spend too much time alone (which admittedly I do) and have nothing useful or interesting to do. Not at all.
On a bus back from school last Wednesday, I was so mentally tired. Living away from home is like a long and never-ending struggle. You may not think about it on a day to day basis, but that doesn't do away the fact that you are struggling. From times to times, a chunk of negative emotions surfaces, waving to you to make sure you know they are still there. You should make some friends, I often hear. And I tried going to events that are organized to help people meet new people. But that's tiring as well. Hello, what's your name? My name is... Where are you from? What are you studying? After a few times, I stopped going altogether. I didn't have the patience to repeat that hollow introduction until a friend happens.
Or you should talk to someone. Sure, I do tell some people my feelings. But I don't think they understand. I have tried telling them, because I know this as well, you should give other people a chance to understand you. A woman in the volunteer group said "if you don't tell me your story, how am I supposed to know it?" I hate that hollowness, after I tried so hard to articulate how I feel, the other person would say something and I knew immediately s/he had no clue what I've been trying to say. It's like open up your heart, waiting to receive some warmth, but instead a cold wind suffocates you.
For the last few days, I have dreams of whoever interacts with me last on Facebook. If before going to bed, I see someone like my post, I see that person in my dream. It's not because I don't interact with anyone in real life during the day. I go to campus from Monday to Thursday, participate in group discussion, talk to people, but somehow all of those don't register in my brain. It's as if my everyday life here, in a university in Canada, doesn't mean anything. Sometimes I can't tell if some information is from a real conversation, a comment I see on facebook, a dream, or my own imagination. That could be scary, not being able to remember if something is real or not.
Isolation is not good for me...But even when Im surrounded by other people, the feeling doesn't go away.
