Somewhere I belong

- am addicted to the scent of rice field

- am used to having back pain and sore arms from driving too long on a motorbike

- can drive at 80km/h on highway

- at least 3 shades darker than I was back in Canada

- can translate simultaneously Vietnamese - English

- know basic stuff about agricultural activities, especially animal farming

- go to the countryside 2-3 times a week

- still have a terrible sense of direction and constantly lost

- think "going through the traffic in Ha Noi is a pain" twice a day on my 1 hour-trip from home to work

- have a lot of time to think (when I am on roads), but no time to read and write

- go to bed at 11, sometimes 9pm, if I am too exhausted

- meet people from different countries every Sunday

- have some cultural exchange every week

- learn something new everyday

- work from 7am - 7pm some days, and do nothing some other days

- don't have a 5-9 job, thus, don't have a fixed schedule, thus, don't know beforehand what is coming the week after

- speak more English than Vietnamese sometimes

- haven't been out in the evening much because by then I would be too tired of being on a motorbike already

- start feeling a bit too comfortable and less excited to go through similar stages of a tour

- feel like lying about my age when asked, because people always comment I am too young

- discover that I share a lot with some teammates, especially family's disapproval of decision to join Bloom

- less likely to eat at the "right" time, because when I eat depends on where I am at the moment

- have been teased, mocked and harassed for being with a group of Tay

- have a few more heated "discussion" about jobs with family

- love Vietnamese rural women more

- feel helpless, angry, frustrated, inspired and happy, depending on how the borrowers are doing

- can appreciate ordinary beauty better, thanks to the excited eyes of foreigners I surround myself with

- have been learning to deal with different people, from drivers to local People's Committee

- haven't really been able to use the theory I learnt in university effectively

- wish I have more time to reflect on things

- am not very creative or innovative

- still haven't made a lot of friends, and find myself a bit lonely at times

- aware that my teammates, tour guests and myself are in the position of power in the interaction with the borrowers as we have money in hands to give out loan, and the sheer facts of being foreigners (or being with foreigners in my case), but not at all the same when it comes to local authority

- am annoyed sometimes how the government staffs, directly or indirectly (by being uncooperative or just difficult) demand money (from Bloom) for their supposed-to-be free service for their own people

- hate seeing men sitting around drinking their lives away while women work at back-breaking jobs all day long

- find the women I've talked with optimistic, accepting, strong, helpless, content, poor (of course), hopeful, desperate, in pain, struggling, confused, and so much more

- was told by one of my teammates (technically my boss because he is the highest and I am the lowest on hierarchy) that I have the ability to relate to many different kinds of people, which I was glad to hear

- can enjoy moonlight spread on a field and sunset over mountains, something I used to imagine wouldn't be possible once I come back to Vietnam

- am doing what I've always wanted, namely go into villages, sit down and listen to stories. Quite amazed at that because I've thought that dream won't happen anytime in the near future. Now it has become true!

Một phần ba đầu tiên của tháng 8 trôi đi trong sự mát mẻ như thế. Trên facebook của những đứa bạn vừa dễ cảm xúc vừa hay tự kỉ tràn ngập những thứ liên quan đến mùa thu. Đôi khi người ta yêu cái gì, ghét cái gì, xúc động với cái gì cũng cần tác động của đám đông như thế. Có khi nào thật ra trong lòng chẳng có tí mảy may xúc động, nhưng vì nhà nhà xuýt xoa, nên mình cũng phải ố á lên một tiếng, ra cái điều là mình nhạy cảm với những lần thành phố trở mình chẳng kém gì ai.

Thể nào khi mùa hoa sữa bắt đầu tỏa hương cũng sẽ có một vài câu status, cái note, bài hát để hưởng ứng. Chẳng hiểu nếu nhạc sĩ Hồng Đăng không sáng tác ra bài hát nổi tiếng ấy, thì liệu hoa sữa có trở thành một thứ biểu tượng của mùa thu không, hay thậm chí người ta có biết gì về nó để mà cùng nhau tán tụng hay không

Tháng 8, cũng như mọi khi, tích tụ sự háo hức dần dần qua từng ngày, chỉ để đến cái ngày mà mọi sự háo hức đó khởi nguồn, mình sẽ như một quả bóng bị châm kim bẹp dúm. Chẳng hiểu háo hức với cái gì, vì biết rõ bây giờ chẳng có gì để chờ đợi nữa. Không có bạn bè nào để được nhận quà, và càng không có ý định nhận lời chúc qua facebook. Nói cho cùng, đấy cũng chỉ là một ngày bình thường như bao nhiêu ngày khác trong năm. Nhưng vì mình đã trót lỡ chào đời vào ngày ấy, nên chẳng có gì để ngóng trông, vẫn không thể ngừng đợi chờ. Đời nó éo le thế.

Rõ ràng biết không có gì ở phía trước ngoài sự trống trải, nhưng vẫn không thể không nghĩ đến, thậm chí là nghĩ đến sự trống trải đấy. Rõ là buồn cười :))

Vẫn là cảm giác cũ. Lúc ở xa, cứ ngỡ mình có nhiều. Lúc lại gần, đối mặt với thực tại là mình chẳng có gì cả. Sao hiện tượng đã xảy ra nhiều lần thế mà mãi chưa quen để mà dửng dưng được.

Tháng 8..đến với rất nhiều đợi chờ và sẽ qua với rất nhiều hụt hẫng. Năm nào cũng như năm nào.

That line finally came through as I drifted along the burning road an early afternoon, lost in my nameless messy thoughts. It is not a shock, but still, there is something quite strange about it. I am actually living that out, Marx's description of the most accomplished form of human collective organization. Communism, I am experiencing you for real.

Imagine this. A group of young master graduates from the London School of Economics, major in either International Development or Economics, go to Vietnam to actualize their ideas in a project which supposedly greatly benefits the local people, get nothing out of it except basic living cost, and intend to return the successful social enterprise they build up to local hands after 3 years. How do you interpret their motivation?

I have heard 3 explanations. First one, they themselves say the job is rewarding, they are young so they want to get hands-on experience, and this project is like their first baby. Second one, my aunt, who seems skeptical of everything good and free, says they are trying to cheat, launder money under the guise of charity, or hide themselves from some crime committed in their home countries. Last one, my uncle, who has been to LSE and is 100% positive these guys are rich kids, says they are using the 3 years to build their social intelligence, to prove themselves to their rich parents, and after Vietnam, they will return home to resume the highest positions in big global companies owned by their families.

Motivation aside, the way this place functions is: except for me, the only Vietnamese in the whole team, who has a contract and a salary, everything one else's living expense is covered by the common fund. All the money each team member earns go directly to this fund, whether it is individual income from English teaching or tour fee paid by guests to the whole team, and then they keep track of everything each spends, as little as 3000 VND for motorbike parking or food, phone, fuel, utility, anything. And all this earning and spending is made available for the whole team to read through Dropbox.

They all live in the same house. Even though there is division of labour, i.e marketing people, fieldwork people, external affairs and internal affairs people, as well as different titles, the organization is so small that everyone can participate in the job of everyone else, and contribute according to their interest and capacity. The way that it works is at the beginning of the week, they have one meeting to update on everyone's progress, and talk about new tasks. Although there is a general sense of what job goes to whom, most of the time it is overlap, and if someone is away, any of the team member can take up his/her job. Well, to a certain extent, of course, I won't be able to hold a meeting with the UN or other important people, etc.

So there it goes: "From each according to his ability, to each according to his need". If you are a big guy and you eat more than a petite lady, it is ok to spend more on food than she does, as long as you make it transparent for the whole group to see. All work for the common goal of advancing the organization, and it in turn serves to sustain them. Collective means of production (e.g. three motorbikes they share), money earned are not distributed to individuals and all profit goes to re-investment for the organization. No private property whatsoever, besides laptops and personal stuffs.

And equality. The highest man sits and eats with the lowest. There is official ranking, but no real hierarchy. Every opinion is listened. Every voice is respected. Of course some worth more attention than others, but you are free to contribute your opinions. No one says things against others or hide things for their own interest. Division of labour means doing what you are best at, not you are more valuable than others, because each and everyone is essential for the welfare of the whole.

Isn't it a bit of irony here, a little communist society lived out by a group of young foreigners (probably without the intention) in the midst of a self-acclaimed socialist country?

It must be a very distinguished characteristic of mine then.

But if someday I am told I am aimless, passionless, and not faithful to the values I once chose to live my life by, I will be very dissapointed at myself.

When I was 13, the first time I became aware of idealism was when my sister introduced her boyfriend to me (now her husband). I clearly remember writing down in my diary that day: "I don't like that guy because he doesn't have any passion or goal. I will never be attracted to a guy like that. A human must have ideals to live by."

I never know why I am so drawn to religion, even though I don't practice any, don't put my faith in any supernatural figure and don't listen to fortune-tellers. But since I was young, I have always thought of the meaning of my existence, why am I here, and very often get despaired after coming to the conclusion that I will disappear some day, the whole existence of the human race and the Earth will vanish some day, with no clues left. It seems so pointless to live, I told myself, probably in elementary school, if not kinder garden.

I tend to destruction, and death. It doesn't mean I contend suicide or anything, it's just the whole contemplation about living and dying always stays in the back of my head, never really goes away. I guess that's why I have always been unconsciously interested in religion, because it is the only system that deals with deepest meaning and unanswerable questions about life and the living.

So if I can't choose to live or to die, and life is a gift, I choose to live my life with values, beliefs and faiths, which makes me an idealistic, but I'd rather do that than content myself with a colourless existence