There are a few things I like
1. The mere fact that I am familiar with how things work saves me a lot of confusion, embarrassment and stress, such as how to use a debit card, how to order a Subway sandwich (I have to relearn though, what type of bread, names of all the cheese and sauces), how to flush a toilet (there are many different ways), how to request a stop while on the bus, etc. And that I already have a bank account and warm clothes saves me time and worries. My body already went through a bad lactose reaction last time, so although my stomach was upset for the first few days, the problem disappeared much quicker.
2. I have a furnished room in a furnished house, so I don't have to buy any furniture, even towels, blankets and pillows are supplied. Needless to say, that saves me tons of money, time and efforts.
3. My landlady is very nice. She picked me up from the bus station, fed me the first day and lent me her toothpaste. I remember last time I went 1.5 day without food because I lived on residence, my meal plan wasn't set up and I constantly got lost as I ran between buildings to complete paperwork. This time, as soon as I finished unpacking my luggage, I could eat and go to sleep.
4. My roommate is super nice, too. She is doing her second PhD, so I can learn a lot from her, especially in terms of being a TA (my obsession these days). Sometimes we have a philosophical discussion in the kitchen, and one evening we talked for 3 hours straight when she basically gave me an account of her life. She is introvert, much like myself, so I thank my landlady for picking the right people to share her home.
5. I went on a trip for a week, which I kind of hesitated at first, because I had to stay with people I don't know. But I made myself do that, thinking of how before I left Canada last time I promised myself if I had another chance I would do better in terms of enjoying life here. So I went, but it was good. I was invited to a family for the New Year celebration, and I have always wanted to experience a family event in a Canadian home. Well, that's the advantage of having friends from my previous stay. They are very loving, and I tried my best to relax and be comfortable. Next, I went on a trip with my friend, her boyfriend and his friends. I don't know those three guys, but they turned out making me laugh a lot. Possibly because I am older now which gives me certain level of self awareness and self understanding, and this in turns helps me to relax around people.
6. Being a grad student feels good, at least in the beginning. I have a desk in a shared office, I can use the department lounge, I can print for free, the department chair remembers my name, I have my own mailbox, and I have the same class with the people I share the office with, which naturally leads them to talk to me, even if I don't know what to say to them. I remember how I didn't make any friends in class last time, because everyone stayed for the lecture, said nothing to each other and left. I didn't go to bar or parties, so I didn't have many opportunities to socialize, which I dreaded anyway.
7. The campus is big, much bigger than my previous university. I was surprised to find all kinds of services for students, and especially a grocery store. There are many events to attend, interesting talks to listen. I am still lazy when it comes to doing things on my own, e.g. go to a concert alone, but at least I am no longer afraid of being seen as weird. It took me a long time to feel comfortable when being alone in a crowd. Last time, I didn't want to eat alone in the campus cafeteria because everyone else sat in a group, or at least with a friend, so I always brought food back to my room and ate in front of my laptop, or went to the riverside so no one could see me. Gradually, I realized that no one cares. And gradually, I myself stopped bothering. It was one step towards liberating myself from what I think other people think of me. So for now, it's laziness and self-motivation that I lack, which is easier to deal with.
8. The fact that my English is better than last time helps a lot, at least I don't have to struggle to take notes in lectures or constantly stretch my mind to adapt to speaking and listening in English.
9. I have signed up for a dance class and will learn Chinese, both of which I have started learning, have quit and now I am about to take up again the third time.
10. There is an Asian supermarket near where I live, which is absolutely a delight. I was so happy when I was in there for the first time, finding all familiar ingredients for Vietnamese food. Last time I lived in a small town where there is only a small shop selling Asian products. This supermarket is much much bigger, cheaper than most other supermarkets that sell "white" food, and within walking distance, so of course I couldn't ask for more.
11. There is no more cigarette smoke surrounding me, and my pimples have gone away. Yay!
12. Going to school constitutes an easy lifestyle, at least easier than working. Everything is laid out for you, you don't have to navigate or think much what to do next. There are clear descriptions of workload, expectations and standards for achievement. As long as you make certain efforts, you will gain certain awards. This is not something I really really like, but I acknowledge that after the crisis I had a few times as I didn't know how my life should proceed, I could appreciate how privileged students are to have some peace of mind. Life in a university is regulated, goals are set, assessments are given, my job is just to follow.
And a few things I struggle with
1. When I was on the airplane, I admitted to myself that I was tingled with a mild but clear sense of regret. I regretted the good life I spent 2 years to set up and had just started enjoying. Good flow of work, good friends, interesting opportunities, a good romantic relationship, and absolutely functional family, I was having a normal life. "What did I do to myself? Why did I have to leave?" Those questions kept coming back to me during that 18 hour flight. Going to the unknown is never exciting, or comforting to me. Even though as soon as I landed in Canada, I could pick up from where I left almost 3 years ago without much disruption, I still didn't feel at ease. But then, I told myself that my life back home was nice and easy, but it will keep on being that way with no significant breakthrough if I keep living there. So leaving is good, even needed, because a change in the environment will kick me forward, rather than just floating contentedly through life. With a MA, I hope I can figure out what I want to do next, either stay in the academia or work, and if I work, I will be qualified for better jobs.
2. Being a teaching assistant is not a piece of cake, at least for now. I've had my first week, and I have enough diverse results to understand that how a particular tutorial goes doesn't only depend on me. That lifts a huge pressure off my shoulders. But still, I am not entirely comfortable and confident when standing in front of students. I would be more so if I were in Vietnam, because as they say, it's my playground. But here, I am in Canada, talking about Canadian society to Canadian students. Many times, I was conscious when I say "our society", or "what should we do?", because I don't feel it's appropriate to include myself in that collective. And even though I remind myself times and again that I have worked as a conference interpreter for a UN agency, I am still painfully aware of my pronunciation, and when I am not comfortable (speaking in public), that makes it even worse. Again, I know I have to stop caring how other people think. But it's a time consuming process.
3. I get lost, obviously, and struggle with the bus system. I already got on the wrong side of 2 different buses twice, resulting in a very long and spinning ride. The bus here are confusing, they change between morning and afternoon, change from one number to another. Well, it always takes time, especially with my terrible sense of direction.
4. My brain is slowly switching from Vietnamese dominant to English dominant. While I have the advantage of the previous 4 years, courses this time are more demanding, the texts are more difficult, so this process needs to speed up.
5. Friends often ask how I feel, and the answer is "nothing". I neither feel excited nor bored, happy nor sad, homesick nor thrilled. This is not something I struggle with, and I am not surprised, because I never really like a place immediately. So either I don't like it or I don't have any feelings. But on the other hand, I am kind of numb, because there are things I want to write about, such as the New Year's Eve in my friend's family, but I don't feel like doing it. Or I don't feel the need to make friends either. I am not too worried about this though. A lesson from last time is one way or another, I will gravitate towards people that I like, so I shouldn't waste energy worrying about that.
