Entry for February 02, 2008 (Imported from 360)
These days Im feeling very bad. I cry all the time. I cry on buses, I cry in my dreams, I cry in washroom, I cry when brushing my teeth. Somehow I just can't help it. I want to hold my tears back. Though I succeed in restraining myself from bursting out when Im in the room with my roomate, sometimes I even cry in classroom, while still looking at teachers, or writing in my notebook. I cry like a habit, and more easily than an infant. I feel like crying just like I need eating and drinking. Isn't it too bad? I don't know what happen to me. Is it because of the weather? I want to give up, but I don't know what I want to give up. I want to go back to "easy life" but at the same time I know I have to carry on. I want to get rid of those decision-making moments: "go back or not go back". Sometimes I feel Im very ok, satisfy with the image of myself with a bunch of money, just few hours after that, I feel Im not ok, I need to go back. I force myself to look up to many bright students, who work so hard and study so hard, "they can do that, I must be capable of doing that, too".
I put too much pressure on myself, I guess.
Everytime I complain, I face the truth "look, you are very lucky. Not everyone has a chance to go abroad. Not everyone even see the airplane for his or her whole life. Not everyone can taste those food, and get a very good education. You are too rude if you complain. You are too ignorant if you complain. And you will hurt your loved ones. Your job, is to be happy". Last night I heard that my granddad tells a relative I am very happy here, with an idle schedule, and easy life, where school, people, weather, all are pleasant. My very first reaction, of course, was getting irritated. "He doesn't understand, im not happy here, no, it's not true, he shouldn't say that". But anyway, after that, I start thinking "it's good he thinks that. He will be happy to know that im happy, he must be proud to tell others that I have an easy life here. Let him be happy. I don't want my granddad upset about me, never". After that, I feel I mature a little bit more. Just like when I stopped myself from hating a friend (he talks something really bad behind my back), after realizing that I pull myself into the cycle of emotions, hatred, disgust, again and again, back and forth. Suddenly I recognized the truth in a well-known Buddism philosophy "Turning your head back and you will see the seaside, the sea of all human being's misery". I turned my head back, ending all the hatred, revenge, I smiled with that friend, I didn't care what I will get back in return (he may still think bad about me, or still hate me), I did what I think is right. After that, I feel I mature a little bit more.
Today I fell down at the stair of the building I live. I walked like I was in a dream. So I fell. No one stopped to ask if I was ok. No one paid me a second look. I didn't want they to do that either. I live like an invisible thing. I would like to be invisible.
Many people ask me the same question "how do you like Canada so far", " are you happy here", what can I answer instead of "yes, I like it", "yes, Im happy". To do justice, I know my feeling is just because Im far away from home, so wherever I am, I still feel like what Im feeling now. Canada is a good choice anyway. I don't think I can be happy in other places either.
Last night I heard my roomate crying softly on her bed. I took 2 seconds to decide whether I should ask to comfort her, or not. Finally I decided I shouldn't. I'd better leave her alone. She might not want me to know that she was crying and even when asked, she would say "im ok". This afternoon, I dreamt about myself talking intimately with her, which never happens in real life.
Last night, I saw myself in an image. I wish I could draw well enough to poytray my thought. I saw myself in a two-faces person, actually a girl with one body and two heads. A ball hit the person in her stomatch. The outside face, which everyone can see, showed a emotionless feature, or even a smile with a very small curve of two lips, while the inside face, which no one can see, showed a painful wrinkle. The outside face kept smiling, and the inside face kept crying. I wondered which will explode first.
If what I seek for is a string, I know I haven't come to the end yet. I should be stronger. I should be tougher. I tell myself again and again that I have to love myself more, so I have to be happy, with some small pleasure I guess. But how can I? I don't know.
I put too much pressure on myself, I guess.
Everytime I complain, I face the truth "look, you are very lucky. Not everyone has a chance to go abroad. Not everyone even see the airplane for his or her whole life. Not everyone can taste those food, and get a very good education. You are too rude if you complain. You are too ignorant if you complain. And you will hurt your loved ones. Your job, is to be happy". Last night I heard that my granddad tells a relative I am very happy here, with an idle schedule, and easy life, where school, people, weather, all are pleasant. My very first reaction, of course, was getting irritated. "He doesn't understand, im not happy here, no, it's not true, he shouldn't say that". But anyway, after that, I start thinking "it's good he thinks that. He will be happy to know that im happy, he must be proud to tell others that I have an easy life here. Let him be happy. I don't want my granddad upset about me, never". After that, I feel I mature a little bit more. Just like when I stopped myself from hating a friend (he talks something really bad behind my back), after realizing that I pull myself into the cycle of emotions, hatred, disgust, again and again, back and forth. Suddenly I recognized the truth in a well-known Buddism philosophy "Turning your head back and you will see the seaside, the sea of all human being's misery". I turned my head back, ending all the hatred, revenge, I smiled with that friend, I didn't care what I will get back in return (he may still think bad about me, or still hate me), I did what I think is right. After that, I feel I mature a little bit more.
Today I fell down at the stair of the building I live. I walked like I was in a dream. So I fell. No one stopped to ask if I was ok. No one paid me a second look. I didn't want they to do that either. I live like an invisible thing. I would like to be invisible.
Many people ask me the same question "how do you like Canada so far", " are you happy here", what can I answer instead of "yes, I like it", "yes, Im happy". To do justice, I know my feeling is just because Im far away from home, so wherever I am, I still feel like what Im feeling now. Canada is a good choice anyway. I don't think I can be happy in other places either.
Last night I heard my roomate crying softly on her bed. I took 2 seconds to decide whether I should ask to comfort her, or not. Finally I decided I shouldn't. I'd better leave her alone. She might not want me to know that she was crying and even when asked, she would say "im ok". This afternoon, I dreamt about myself talking intimately with her, which never happens in real life.
Last night, I saw myself in an image. I wish I could draw well enough to poytray my thought. I saw myself in a two-faces person, actually a girl with one body and two heads. A ball hit the person in her stomatch. The outside face, which everyone can see, showed a emotionless feature, or even a smile with a very small curve of two lips, while the inside face, which no one can see, showed a painful wrinkle. The outside face kept smiling, and the inside face kept crying. I wondered which will explode first.
If what I seek for is a string, I know I haven't come to the end yet. I should be stronger. I should be tougher. I tell myself again and again that I have to love myself more, so I have to be happy, with some small pleasure I guess. But how can I? I don't know.
